I just had a wonderful visit with the daughter I relinquished almost 23 years ago.  L came to see me at my home, and I was ablsolutely THRILLED!!!  We went to see the usual things people want to see when they visit me, Notre Dame, Amish areas, and we also went into Chicago and hung out at the Navy Pier for a bit before her flight to her next destination.  It was fast, but it was so nice to see her and it felt like we both needed the visit.  She just recently had her boyfriend of over 2 yrs break up with her and she was crushed.  Some of the break up had to do with her parents kind of interjecting their feelings about him into their relationship, so she really just wanted to get away to clear her mind.  I am glad she saw me as a tiny oasis in her life.  Because we are so much closer in age than she is with her parents, I think she sometimes sees me as that big sister she never had.  That is pretty cool to me, and I am happy to fill that role if that is what she needs.  She is so easy to love, and I really hated to hear her pain on the phone.  I needed to hug her as much as she needed one from me, I think.

We had some deep convos……….She wants to know about her biological dad’s family.  We had a very nice talk about it, and we both expressed the pros and cons, and had our first real “adoption” convo.  We talked about adoptee rights, anger and disappointment from the first parent perspective, and about a lot of the stereotypes that out there regarding adoption.  It was interesting to me that she is where I was when I first stumbled onto the adoption community about 10 years ago.  I feel I gave her a balanced description of the differing sides and views, and I think it gave her a bit to think about.  I explained about unwed mother’s homes, and the BSE, as she was not really familiar with some of the terms.  All in all, it was a very nice conversation.  After talking to her I spoke to my mother and together we decided that she is going to contact L’s paternal bio grandma the first part of this year to let her know of L’s existence.  It may see odd to some of you that this is the route we are choosing, but her bio dad has no idea she exists, and he is now married with 2 kids.  We didn’t feel it was fair to upset his apple cart.  We felt going through his Mom, she would know the best way to handle it, and having my Mom talk to her one on one, face to face, Mother to Mother, Grandmother to Grandmother, would have less shock value.  People are welcome to disagree, but please remember that no two situations are the same, as all people are different in their reactions.  My family has had 2 decades to process, she is going to go through all of her emotions at a very rapid rate of speed.

L is okay if all they want to give her is medical info.  She knows he has no idea what went on 23 years ago.  She has been having some medical things crop up, and would really like to know both halves of her genetic make up.  I totally understand, and love her enough to do the right thing.  I just don’t want to see her hurt, and told her as much.  She is more concerned with me being hurt by them, by their possible anger, and words.  I assured her that I am not that 17 yr old girl anymore, and will have no problem reminding anyone to speak me like an adult, for that is what I am.  LOL!!  There is really nothing they can say, think, or feel about me that I have not already felt about myself.  I have forgiven the 17 yr old, and I have come to terms with the decisions, right or wrong, that she made.  I am in a much better place than I was in all those years ago.   The nicest thing she said was that she already had a better relationship with me than she ever hoped she could have with with me, and that she knew it would get even better as time goes on.  Of course, I cried.  Imagine.  She is not looking to replace that relationship, but I think she is hopeful he will want to know her.  She does NOT want to “F*** up his world” as she puts it. I tried to reassure her that I didn’t want that either, but that I really felt that all she would do was enhance his life, because of who she was.  She has that way about her.  When and if they do meet her…….they will not be able to deny her relation to them.  As much as she resembles me, she also has a lot of their characteristics too. Once the shock and anger wear off, I truly think they will want to know her.

So, my best Christmas present ever?????  Getting to see L 2 days after Christmas, and spend time with her.  I got the gift of ushering in the New Year with the knowledge that a little more of the adoption weight will be lifted in 2010 when S’s family is finally told of L’s existence.  My life will no longer be in the closet.  It will be scary, but I know in the end, the weight will be gone!

Here is to 2010…….A new beginning at the end of one decade, feeding the next.

My parents were more picture takers than home movie people.  I am the oldest of 5 kids and I suspect the cameras for home movies were more expensive than what they could afford.  Our lives are documented through dozens of photo albums.  When I was asked if I wanted to see L as a child in video, I of course, said YES!!  I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it, but I know myself.  I have learned how to bury my emotions where L is concerned, very deep.  I have had a lot of practice in doing this over the years.  So after getting home from the verbal assault by Auntie Rosie, we donned our jammies and headed to the family room to watch old home movies.

It was very weird to see that first Christmas, and the lump growing in my throat was beginning to really get to me.  She was so cute.  I could almost imagine the same scene unfolding around my tree, in my home, if things had gone differently.  My mind went to places I hadn’t allowed it to in years.  What if???  Why didn’t I???  If I had just???  I quickly swept those under the rug in a mind adept at cleaning itself quickly of thoughts that are too painful to think about and too surreal to imagine.  Tiny pieces of You weren’t fit, and You were too young threatened to bubble to the surface, but were quickly replaced with spoken comments of’,” She is so cute, I love the dress you picked out.”  I needed to distract in order to get through these next 2 hours.  As the movies moved into her 5th Christmas, I began to see me.  She is all me at that age.  Same shade of hair, long and unruly on early Christmas morning.  She has my mannerisms in pushing that hair away from her face.  She is intense, and gazes at each toy, and then delves into each task with rapt attention.  She wants to understand the toy, play with it yes, but find out all it can do.  She has the cutest raspy voice.  Upon waking she sounds like she has laryngitis for the first part of the morning.  I smile at that, revelling in hearing her voice,taped at a time when I would have sold my soul to the devil to hear it for real.  I imprint that sound, hearing it over and over for the next few days, then filing it away for when I might need it.  We finish watching a few more and at 2:30 am we all head off to bed.  I would shed my tears for these memories made, saved, and shared with me, on the plane ride home on Monday.

On Sunday we decided we would walk around the North end of Boston and go to the Italian section for the BEST TIRAMISU I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!  We also went to where the statue of Sam Adams is, and did a bit of souvinier shopping for my hubby and kiddo.  We talked about school, and what she wanted to do.  We watched street performers and had a very relaxing day.  There was something lurking under her surface calm, and I am sure she is struggling with a lot but doesn’t want to use OUR time on this weekend to get into it.  All in her time, and I am hoping it will be opened when we get together in my neck of the woods.  She will be able to be a bit more open, andnot have to worry about her parents wondering why she may seem upset and such.  That is my plan anyway.  We shall see.

After our sight seeing, we head to the graduation party of one of her cousins that graduated the same weekend.  This Uncle is the best cook in the world, and I had such a great time at this get-together.  I was of course met at the door by Auntie Rosie.  She was making small talk with me, and L by this time, was not wanting me to be hurt again by her. I was wearing a Notre Dame sweatshirt and jeans and L was in her A&F sweatshirt and jeans.  Rosie catches us 3o seconds after we enter the home.

Rosie: ” L!!!!  (BIG HUGS) So glad you got here!!  I love you sooooo much!!  Hi Jenn, did you enjoy walking around Boston today?”

Me:” Oh yes, I had a great guide, and she took me to have the best tiramisu ever.  Wonderful day I must say.”

Rosie:  “Very good.  Huh….I thought you were from TN.  Where exactly do you live?”(Looking at my sweatshirt)

Me: (I Vanna White my sweatshirt)” Um, Indiana.  Right near Notre Dame.”

Rosie: ” We like ND, but we are bigger patriot fans.”

Me:” I am a brave NY Giant fan.  Ha ha….(think back to superbowl those of you who follow football) My whole family are Giants fans.”

Rosie: (Pulling L in tight and hugging her) “WE are ALL patriot fans in this family, isn’t that right L?”

L: ( I could have hugged and kissed her right here)” Actually Auntie Rosie, I couldn’t care less about football, I am a Red Sox fan. Jenn, Uncle B is the best cook….let’s get something to eat and sit outside with the others.”  (Big smile…all teeth…so sassy….yet respectful)  LOL!!!  We walk to thhe food tables and make up our plates and head outside.

Great food, wonderful conversation, and a group of people I felt a kinship to immediately, were outside.  L’s Mom and Dad, one of her Uncles, a couple of 20 something cousins, and the cousin that felt threatened by me were all out there laughing and having a great time.  I grabbed a beer, and joined right in.  They were speaking my language……foood and cooking, specifically Italian cuisine…..I was home.  Cousin D (threatened one) hands me a gift bag.  She tells me to not open it until I get back to L’s house.  She doesn’t want a lot of prying eyes and all…..I thank her.

Food and drink, good conversation and much laughter.  That is how the day before I must leave her again  unfolds.  Such a big difference from the night before.  Laid back, like me.  We say our good byes, shed a few tears, and head home.  I was not prepared for the present and beautiful card Cousin D gave me.  It was a Willow Mother and Daughter figurine.  Her card thanked me (yuck) for my sacrifice, but rejoiced that our lives have now come full circle.  She is happy that her cousin’s daughter now feels complete, and that the reason is me.  To say I was touched is an understatement and I began to cry right there.  L’s Mom assured me she was told what Cousin D had bought, and she said she was soooooo happy they were finally getting it.

Love is infinite……..we are always capable of making more when we need to, and our hearts have the capacity to welcome all those worthy of entering.  I am thankful we have welcomed each other into each other’s lives and families.

NEXT:  L’s Mom and I get deep regarding where L feels she belongs, or doesn’t belong??

Well, to update, I went to my daughter’s graduation from college in May.  It was very overwhelming on so many levels, but a milestone in relationships in other aspects.  I stayed at her house for 4 days and really got a chance to get to know all 3 of them in very different ways.  In that regard, it was very enlightening, and by the end of the weekend, I really felt like an addition to their family, instead of odd man out.

Any trip where being with “family” is a concern, there are always those one or two bad apples……….Instead of worrying about them and how happy I would have been to see them rot in hell……I instead made them into apple pie.  I am glad I swallowed my first response to them, and turned that other cheek, as hard as it was.  One of them I think, was just worried about what she really didn’t understand until meeting me in person, the other; well the jury is still out on her.  However, I am jumping ahead of the tale…….

I arrived on Friday morning and we then went to the restaurant where L’s mom works as a waitress and has worked for the last 25 years.  These people are very tied to L’s Mom and L in so many ways, and I knew this was going to be very awkward for me.  I was introduced as L’s “Birthmom”, which has never bothered me in writing, but when said aloud, in a crowded restaurant, I started to wonder what other people were thinking of me at that moment.  L’s Mom saw my uneasiness, and quickly asked me if that was the way I wanted to be introduced.  I loved her for it, and told her I was fine and that I was really enjoying meeting all of her friends.  Since they knew how L and I were “related” to each other already, referring to me as Jenn, was probably all that was necessary to tell them.  She totally understood, and Jenn I was.  It was still a bit awkward because I wondered what kind of preconceived notions these women had of me all the years before our reunion.  Since it is nothing I could really control, I proceeded to just be me and I think they will draw new conclusions of who I am.  After breakfast we went to L’s house to drop off my stuff and get to planning the rest of our day.  While at the house L’s Mom started to tell me about one of her cousins that was having a hard time with L’s relationship with me.  She thought it was not fair that L wanted to spend so much time with me without her Mom on graduation weekend.  Wasn’t she jealous of that fact???  Effectively, this woman was trying to stir up problems where none, in my mind, existed.  I told “Lucy”, if she wanted to go into Salem with us, that was fine with me.  If she wanted to go out with us after the cocktail party that night, I would love to have her there.  She assured me she didn’t want to do either of those things with us, and that this was L’s weekend with me, and this is what she wanted and it made her happy to see L so happy.  She was just telling me about the cuz, so I would be aware for the following night’s graduation dinner.  I was also warned about “Lucy’s” Aunt, who really wasn’t happy with the current situation within our relationship.  In her mind, L didn’t need me, she already has a family.  “Lucy” has tried to explain, with no acceptance from this elder in her family.  Again…..this was just to forewarn me of what I may “feel” from just 2 members of their family.

Fast forward to Saturday.  Graduation was a dream!!!!  L was excited, happy, flitting around, and not feeling well.  We had decided to stay in and catch up with one another instead of going out the night before.  (We think it may have been something she ate at dinner on Fri. but she was definitely not feeling well, but hiding it well!!)  We went out to lunch after graduation and then headed home so L could take a nap before the big dinner that evening.  We were hoping she would feel well enough to go out for it and that we would not have to cancel.  After a 3 hour nap, she said she felt better, and really wanted me to meet her extended family, so out for the dinner party it was!!  I was so nervous.  This is L’s family…….the people who loved and still love her in place of my own family.  I was terrified of what they would think of me, how they would judge me.  How they would question me, and maybe even wonder why this seemingly normal woman would ever have given up L to begin with.  My fears were put to rest after I meant “Lucy’s” sister.  She was so warm, caring, and seemed genuinely happy I had made the trip out.  One of Lucy’s co-workers from the restaurant was there, and she had me chatting and feeling pretty damn warm.  Then one of Lucy’s uncles, and the cuz with problem…..she was eager to hug to me, and tell me how happy she was to meet me…..all ery nice.  So I was in the zone of feeling pretty good when SHE walks over.  She is approx. 75 years old, the matriarch of sorts, under 5 feet tall, and looking all of her 75 years.  No smile, not even behind the eyes.  L turns to introduce me.

L: “Auntie R, this is Jenn.”~~( Big smile from L.  Clearly excited to introduce me.)

Auntie R: “So….you are L’s Mom????”  (Said with disdain.)

Me: “Nice to meet you Auntie Rose, I am Jenn.”  (Crooked smile, but really trying to maintain composure.)

Lucy:  “Auntie Rose this is L’s Birthmom, Jenn.  We are so glad she came out to see L.”

Auntie Rose: (Pulling L as tightly to her chest as she can, and wrapping her arms around her) ” See Jenn, this is MY L.  She is our family, we love her and we are keeping her here with us.  She is going nowhere.  Do you understand that?  She is in our family, and is a part of us, we love her and you can’t have her back….ever.”

Shocked faces galore……to be sure…..L visibly uncomfortable but trying to think of a way to salvage and not diminish anyone.  Lucy is shocked and is admonishing Auntie Rosie for speaking her mind.

I am alone.  No husband with me.  My 4 yr old at home with her Daddy.  I quickly put my hands behind my back, and start to squeeze my hands together to make it alright.  I imagine my Grandma, squeezing my hand.  My Mom, my Dad, my Mom’s parents giving me a squeeze, Jim giving me a hug and whispering it is all going to be okay.  A kiss from my precious Little One.  I am fighting the dam wants to rain tears down my face, my heart is racing.  I am SHOCKED.  Just because she is old doesn’t mean she is given the right to be rude.

Me: (Spoken calmly and with a smile)” I am so glad you love her.  It makes my heart soar to know she has so many people that love her so unconditionally.  After all, isn’t that what family is for?  It is so nice to meet you.”

Loudspeaker: ” F party of 21, your table is available”

My mind, ” There is a God.”

There were 17 people between me and Auntie Rosie over dinner.  She attempted to make conversation with me by coming down to our end of the table 3 times, and I denied her(politely of course).   Seems petty now, but oh how empowering it seemed then to continue conversations with others as she stood there waiting to enter a conversation I was NOT going to let her enter…..LOL!!!  Ahhhhhhhhh, Zombies, my new old favorite drink!!!  LOL!!!!

That night when we got home, and on the way home as well, the words “I’m sorry” must have been used 1000 times.  We now have an inside joke, and agreed that Auntie Rosie made the 4 of more of a family then before.  They had my back, and to me, that defines family. Lucy said that now I was officially family, as I had survived Auntie Rosie.

NEXT:  Saturday night videos of L……  Her First Christmas and more………..

With my daughter’s 22^nd birthday approaching at alarming rate, I find I have a mix of happiness and sadness. Today, I definitely felt the sadness. Maybe I should say the mix of sadness with frustration that can only come from loving the child I gave birth to, but according to Hallmark I can’t buy a suitable card. Why, you ask??

“Through the years of raising you, my heart was always filled with the promise of what I knew you would become.”

“A mother could never be more proud of raising a daughter such as you. Happy birthday, my darling daughter.”

“I knew before you were born I would love you more than life itself. Late night feedings, nightmares, and a broken heart, were only some of the things we would conquer together.”

Of course, I made these up, paraphrased a bit, but I think you get my point. Unless I can claim raising her, I apparently can’t wish her a happy birthday with the word “daughter” attached. I also can’t claim any love because once again, in order to love a daughter, I would have had to raise said daughter. I am feeling a bit whiny right now. Anyone have any cheese???

I know I will find a card. I am not afraid that I won’t. It is just so frustrating. LO’s First Mom always buys LO the nicest cards. They say daughter, and mention a mother’s love. I guess I just wanted to be able to find a card that could let her know how I feel. Last year I got her a humorous card but wrote her a really nice letter to go inside. I guess I may have to do that again. I just always feel like I have to be careful with what is in my heart.

On a different note, but somewhat related to my adoption drama, my prom date from High School found me on Facebook. I have to say I was totally shocked, but very happy to hear from him. We have been emailing back and forth and I told him all about L. He was the first guy I dated seriously after I relinquished, and the first person outside of my family I told about it. Being able to tell him about her was so great. I also got to thank him for being so kind to me during that time frame. He really took care of me on more than one occasion of non-stop crying. He was so caring, and wanted nothing more than to take my pain away. He was so humbled by my thanks, but so happy about my reunion. He actually feels like he was more of jerk than he would like to remember. He was a little of that too, but I chalked that up to him being only 19 yrs old at the time, and I was a bit hard to handle!! I am actually surprised he thought to look for me. Go Facebook. LOL!! The amount of people I can share L with is so limited in my real life. It is nice to have someone that knew me then, validate some of my feelings.

I am done rambling for now. I am going to have get busy thinking about what I want to write in a nice letter to L for her birthday. I still have no idea what to get her, but I am leaning toward a cool basket of goodies she can share with her room mates. Kind of like a care package of sorts. I don’t know. We shall see. I am down to about 5 days!! EEEEK!!

I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see spring around the corner.  We are due for more snow this weekend, but in my mind I know it is almost over, and none too soon.  I suffer from (mild) Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I no longer take meds but cope on my own.  Each year that passes, seems to get a little easier.  LO definitely keeps me busy and that is a HUGE plus.  For me, a busy mind and body, are a distracted mind and body.   It hasn’t been too bad this winter, but I was definitely blah more than the average person.  I started exercising this January and I think that may have helped a bit.  I also modified my diet a bit.  Eating more fruits and vegetables. It was much worse before reunion.  L was born in March.  So just as the days were starting to get a bit longer, I would enter the March Funk and really not recover from both until April.  Reunion however, has added its own little stresses here and there.

I am happy with my reunion so far, but sometimes feel like I have so many questions and so very few answers.  Although it is hard to get answers to questions I am too afraid to ask, or need to be spoken about in person.  I love talking to her.  She is so intelligent, deep, a great conversationalist, and an all around fun person to chat with.  We talk about all kinds of things.  Last week we actually talked about Physics for a bit.  Dimensions and string theory.  I hate Physics, as does L, but we started joking about Einstein and dimensional theory……it was very natural.  She is very careful to not offend me in regards to religion, which I find very humorous.  I struggle with my faith BIG TIME!!  I am Catholic, raised from birth, but haphazard at best with the practicing part.  I love it when I am there, but I struggle with the role of women in the church.  I also struggle with the stem cell research end of the church.  I struggle with them in my bedroom, your bedroom, his bedroom, her bedroom….I think you get the picture.  I struggle with the fact that so many of our Bible stories are “stolen” from more ancient places than Judaism could ever imagine.  The Sumerians, Phoenicians, Babylonians…..  our stories are very old, and not credited to the ones that should have the credit.  I don’t know.  Jumped the track…..sorry……suffice it say we talk about lots of stuff.

We talk about all these things.  She also finds it fascinating and has done some similar reading.  We talk about so much, but then I get off the phone, and I miss her.  I feel like we don’t talk about that.  We do tell each other how much we miss one another, but never a reason as to why.  We don’t get deep, it is too scary.  Too real.  Raises too  many questions that we don’t want to ask without having a face to gaze at to read the real feeling behind the voice.  We need the body language to verify the words. I have actually cried after getting off of the phone with her.  I just want to be able to have hours to talk to her.

I know why I miss her.  It is natural for me to miss her.  It is natural for me to want to know everything I can about this very cool person.  It is natural for me to want to see what I missed, and for me to want to imagine or think about what might have been if…….   Honestly, I don’t think I would want her to be any different than she is now.  She is perfect.  She really is.

I don’t know that she would have been this same person if I had raised her or if I had been in her life for yearly visits.  We are very alike although not together for 20 years.

We share interests and talents although not together for 20 years.

We share speech patterns and thought processes even though we were seperated for 20 years.

We share mannerisms although seperated for 20 years.

It makes me wonder about the child I am parenting now.  I see her mimic my mannerisms, and speech patterns, but will that change???  Will she too, develop the way L has??  Or did L just walk to the beat of her own drum.  Her parents both say she was always different, and they embraced it fully.  They love her very much, and always have, but there were times they just had to shake their head and go along.  Is that why I can see so many similarities?  They didn’t try to think of her as a blank slate and just let her be??

There are a few possibilities here.

— I am so desperate to connect with L on ANY level.  I see many, and continue to look for others to make up for all the lost time.

— Her parents did just let her grow.  Shook their heads and let it roll, so to speak.

–LO will continue to emulate me until she has a grasp of what she feels for herself, and then I will see a complete transformation. She will then be more like a mini-J than a mini-me.

— I have too much time on my hands and I am looking for things that really aren’t there, or wrong, and I am once again trying to borrow trouble.  Jinx it before I can enjoy it.  Possible I guess.

My thoughts lately are so fragmented that I am having trouble putting it out there.  If anyone can make some sense…..have at it.  I will sitting here today, enjoying a little it of sun for the next few hours before the snow rolls in.  Then I will go color with LO.  I will take all the mellow tones.  They soothe me.  Today, Cinderella will have a burgundy dress.  She and I will both feel warm.

Okay, so I took some time off, and I guess I really do have a lot of things on my mind.  It just never seems to be easy to get those thoughts into a readable form from my messy mind.  I also worry too much about how people will feel about what I write.  I guess I shouldn’t really care since it is not like I have thousands of fans anyway!

The biggest news in my little world is that I am going to my daughter’s graduation from college in May.  L invited me as did her parents.  I will be staying at their home, and although I feel very comfortable talking to them on the phone, and felt very comfortable in person, I am still very uneasy.  I am very excited to get the chance to be there.  I am really happy she wants me there.  I am super happy her parents see it will make her happy, and invited me too! However, there is still a lot of uneasiness in my mind.  I just can’t put my finger on it, but it is there.

I spoke to L on Sunday, and we were making some plans for what we would have time to do while I was in town.  I will only be there 3 maybe 4 days. (Hubby is staying home with the 3.5 yr old so I may go Friday to Monday.  It will depend on whether it is Mother’s Day weekend or not.  If it is Mother’s day, I may fly home Sunday so I can be with DH and LO for some of the day.  Still working on the logistics.)  One thing we both thought would be fun would be…….karaoke on Friday night at some local bar they go to.  It was my idea, so I could hear her sing in person.  She does musicals, and takes voice lessons, so I really wanted to hear her sing, and this seemed like a “cool” way to do so.  She was ALL for it!

Now the hard part.  What in the world do I get a girl who already has everything as a gift for graduating from college?!?!?!  She turned 21 last year and I got her a Tiffany bracelet with the heart tag.  In retrospect, I probably should have waited on that one!  I really have no clue what to get her.  At least I have some time to think about it.

LO is doing well.  Her First Mom and her new baby are moving into an apartment this week.  She is very excited, and I am happy for her.  I don’t like that her baby’s Dad is going to be living there too, with NO job, but it is her life.  We talked about him at length, and she knows she doesn’t want to support him forever, but is willing to try it out for the sake of their daughter.  Besides, he takes care of the baby while she is at work saving her money for daycare.  She told me she will take it one day at a time, and keep her eyes open.  He has little to no self esteem, and even less to no motivation.  These are things she already she knows.  Oh well.  We will probably go over for a visit once she is settled in.

I do have a few other posts I am working on.  Mostly on how I have been processing my reunion and how I feel about telling DH’s Mom about L.  I am going to have to do that soon.  I shouldn’t have to lie about where I go and who I see.  Those will be for another day tho’.

Thanks in advance for any ideas about gifts.  I will try…no promises……to be a little better about this blog.  Truthfully, I am just gunshy.

I really need to get into a swing of writing more often.  I find that when I purge my feelings here, I feel more centered.  Life has happened lately, never seems to be enough time to do the things I want to do, see the things I want to see, or be with the people I want to be with most.

 

Spent the Thanksgiving holiday back home in good old NY.  Seems that “plague” was going around, however no one informed us before we got there.  Fast forward to the travel home, and I was the lone healthy person in the plague-mobile.  Both hubby and child down with a case of the creeping-stuffy-cruds-with-cough.  Other than the germ-fest, the visit was nice.  Due to the death of my sister-in-law’s Mother, I was unable to get to Boston to see my daughter.  I am hopeful that maybe she can come out here in the Spring.  We are definitely planning for the Summer of ’09, but would both love to see each other sooner.

We haven’t spoken on the phone in a few months, and e-mails have been sporadic at best, but when we dio talk in emails it is nice.  She is so sweet, and always ends with ‘I love you and miss you’, but it just seems like there is something…….missing.  I can’t explain it.  I know there have been a lot of things I have wanted to say to her, or ask her, but I hesitate.  I wonder if she is doing the same thing.  I do know that when we do get together again F2F, I am going to have a list ready.  LOL!!  Right now, I feel like I have to follow her lead, and when she is ready to talk deeply about her adoption, and any feelings she may or may not have, I will be ready.  Such is life here.  Keeping the status quo.

Little One’s First family will coming over around Christmas.  That should be fun, and I am sure she will have a blast running around with all of her cousins.  Her First Mom had a baby in October, and LO had a nice time seeing her when we visited in the hospital.  J has been hopping from her Mom’s house to the boyfriend’ s mom’s house, so we haven’t seen her since the birth.  We have spoken a few times, and all seems well there.  I talk to her mother more than I talk to her. 

LO is doing well in gymnastics, and loves going to school.  She really seems to be growing up.  If I could only get the “sassy” under control.  I am told it is a phase, and am very hopeful.

That’s about it from the nut hut.  I am going to go and take some Thera Flu, as now I have come down with whatever I brought home in the car.  Fun Fun.  Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving.  Looking forward to Christmas, since my Mom and 2 of 3 brothers will be here to celebrate it with us.  Should be really nice.  Promise to get back on the wagon with this blog thing.  I am finding I need it more and more.

My youngest brother became a Dad out of wedlock on Aug 1st..  During his girlfriend’s pregnancy many of us speculated that P was NOT the Dad, but he was happy, and he proposed, and we had a big baby shower for the happy parents anyway……..because we loved him, the baby on the way, and by extension his shady girlfriend.  Well……sadly we were right.  My brother is crushed, and now all 4 of his siblings and his parents are left to pick up the pieces that were P.  On the side, his 4 siblings are full of rage and hatred for a girl who took advantage of their brother.  He is empty and feels like a fool.

He is numb because he loved (loves) them both.  He is torn.  The girl’s Dad suspected the baby might not be P’s so he requested a paternity test. Well, actually she suggested it because the man who is the real father was hounding her and her family, and her Dad pretty much insisted hoping the guy was wrong.  My brother did NOT want one done.  He didn’t want to know if the baby was his or not because he has been involved with this pregnancy from what he thought was day one.  We all became suspicious because her due date kept changing.  First it was Oct 4th.  Then it was Sept 28th.  Then it was Aug 23rd.  Then it was Aug 19th…..at which point it became Aug 12th because of her now telling my brother she was having a scheduled C-section.  At her last appt before the birth, which ended up being by c-section on July 30th, she told my brother they wanted to take the baby now because he had stopped growing.  NOW, I say, well duh……she was at term…..then we were all concerned.  The concern turned to suspicion when the baby was born 19 1/2 inches long and almost weighing in at 7 pounds.  Hmmmmm…. but still we followed my brother’s lead and were all ready to congratulate the young couple on their new baby.

My brother is now in the same hurt and anguish I felt 21 years ago.  Same but different, I know, but a loss nonetheless.  I would not wish that pain on my worst enemy, and I now have to sit by and watch and listen to him suffer.  He truly wanted that baby to be his.  This young naive 25 year old guy, prayed to God every night that this child would be his son.  Most 25 year olds would not be praying to be Dads when they aren’t married yet.  He did.  Most guys would have walked away when they found out there was a chance that the child their girlfriend was carrying might not be his.  He bought her a diamond ring and proposed.  He didn’t care.  He believed in his heart that she was telling him the truth about all the weird changes in her due dates.  He told the other guy off for constantly telling my brother he was a fool and that the baby wasn’t his.   He didn’t want to hear from anyone that he might be making a huge mistake because he trusted her, and felt no one would deliberately lie about something like this.  Boy how wrong he was.

This girl knew al along he wasn’t the Dad.  This girl manipulated him into giving her his paycheck every week so she could save the money for the baby.  Gone.  She was able to look my Mom in the eye and get addresses for all the women in our family for invitations to her baby shower, knowing this baby was no relation to us.  After getting the results she accepted gifts from various family members of our family celebrating the birth, and didn’t say a word.  IT’S LIKE SHE IS A SOCIOPATH!!!!   Well at least she gave him back the ring, but what the hell is he going to do with it??  He is too hurt to even think about it, and actually told her to keep it, but her Dad wouldn’t let her.  He used all of his vacation time after the birth to be with her and the baby, and now can’t even take a few days offf to get away for some mental health time!!!

I am white hot mad.  I am sure this post makes no sense, and the only reason I am blogging about it is becaue I am so angry and hurt for my brother, I had to get some of it out before I can truly support him.  I don’t want to saddle him with my baggage or anger, when he is slowly drowning.

Livid.  Pissed.  Disillusioned by the ability of someone to manipulate in the way she did.  Empty.  Grieving the loss of a nephew for my siblings, a grandchild for my parents, and a son for my brother.  Funny thing is, my family has always had this inside joke that we were functionally disfuntional.  This disfunction has really set us spinning.  I just pray that we all have the strength to keep my brother afloat.

Sorry again for the choppy, fragmented thoughts (and possible typos, I am not going to go back and edit, so sorry for that too…LOL!!)  I am feeling Disfunctional right now.  I will probably delete this in a few days, as I would hate for someone to stumble on this one day, and mistake my anger in any way.  I love my brother so much, I so wish I could take away his pain.  Sadly, I have no magic wand.

Today I had to go to the eye doctor as I have been having some issues with my current contacts, and it had been over a year since my last visit, so off we went.  I get there and find out I have to be fully dilated.  I hate that!!!  So we get the exam out of the way, find out my eyes have actually changed very little, get the new scripts, and we head off to pay the co-pay.  I had to hold my checkbook so far away from my body that the lady behind the desk offered to write it out for me because I couldn’t see the lines!!  LOL!!!  So that is how far-sighted people feel!!!  We laughed, I paid, and then it was off to sign Little One up for gymnastics.

The gym isn’t far from the doctor, and I could see far away fine, and with my sunglasses on I didn’t feel quite so blind.  The whole way there my daughter is in the back chirping away about “Nastics Mommy, I go nastics…yeah!!”  We get there, get her registered, and the owner tells us to go ahead and take a look around.  He tells me to take her through the locker room to the gymnasium floor so she will have an idea of what the areas are.  I wish I had brought a camera so I could have the look on her face documented forever.  The complete and total awe in her eyes, and on her face was amazing.  I knelt down beside her and answered every “What’s that?” for the next 10 minutes.  Then it was time to leave.  Maybe the tour wasn’t a good idea after all.  She started to cry because she wanted to go and climb NOW.  I quietly explained to her that we would be back, and she could play then.

The whole way home she told me she was going to go on the rings.  She was going to climb on the mats.  “I do salt, Mommy.”

What a wonderful day, and I can’t wait to do the Mommy and Me class with her!!!

Being dilated and blind for about 5 hours……

Trying to fill out forms I can’t read, and keep my eyes on Little One at the gymnasium…….

Look on her face when she sees all the gymnastics equipment for the first time………PRICELESS!!

Man, I love her…..and I love being her Mom.

I have been working on a few different posts and keep getting distracted, or I delete them altogether.  I can’t seem to get my feelings straight and sort of feel as though I took the easy way out.

We had a lovely visit with Dh’s family.  I left ALL of my pictures of L out and truly, that was huge for me.  I actually felt at peace with the thought they may ask about them, and then I would be able to tell them.  The best laid plans and all that…….

Where did all the preconceived notions about the types of women who get pregnant before being married come from??  Who sent out the memos carefully describing the financial backgrounds, familial backgrounds, intelligence, number of sexual partners, and abilities of these women to have a future?  I ask this, because I got to hear not only my MIL, but my 30-something SIL go on and on about teen pregnancy and the types of girls this happens to.  Only girls who think they have no future…….really, hmmmm.  Only girls who had a family that didn’t show any interest in them during their formative teenage years…….really?  Interesting.  If only these girls realized that by having sex and getting pregnant  they were throwing their whole life away.  Who can have respect for them, if they have no respect for themselves?  Yeah….who??

I think maybe, dear readers, you are realizing that I said nothing to them about L.  I say, let the ignorant live in bliss.  Yes, I took the easy way out.  I still have to live with these people in my life.  I love them very much, and really don’t feel like making my MIL feel like an idiot because she would have to apologize for what came out of her mouth regarding GIRLS LIKE ME.  What purpose would it serve to make a 76 year old woman wonder why her son and I kept a secret from her for 16 years.  What purpose would it serve to make her feel uncomfortable, wondering if I really accepted her apology for all of the very narrow-minded comments made about girls who have relinquished?  Most importantly, do I want to share my daughter with people like that, who think that the woman who gave birth to her, is basically a loser??

I am confident enough to know I am not a loser.  I believe in myself enough to know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.  I am bright enough to know that telling them about a time in my life that was difficult for me, but I survived, will not change the way they see the countless young women everyday that get pregnant out of wedlock.

Bottom line……I share L with the people who have taken the time to really know me.  I share her with those that I feel most comfortable sharing my story with.  Fair to her??  Not really.  At this point, is my DH’s Mother someone L would meet??  Not likely.  Can I get through to my SIL?  Possibly.  She is someone I think I could “change”.  My MIL is too steeped in her religious “right and wrong” to be able to see outside her marble box and beyond her stain-glassed windows.  Could that change in a year?  Sure, anything is possible, just ask the Cubs!!  They could win a pennant.  Probably not this year, but does that mean all of their fans should give up on them?  I am not giving up forever, I am just giving up this round in the fight.  We need to choose our battles, and today I feel like I chose wisely.  Even DH was shocked at what his Mom had to say.  He is a supportive man, and I am both blessed and lucky to have him to be forever at my side.  We both agree that right now, it is his family’s loss to not have the ability to take off their rose-colored glasses long enough to see the real woman before them.

I am a survivor.

I am strong.

I am intelligent.

I am vibrant.

I am opinionated, but always ready to listen to an opposing argument.

I am a Mother to 2 wonderful girls.  One being raised by me to respect both of her Moms, and the other already raised to respect “women like me” for the decisions made.

I am not perfect, but sometimes it is the imperfections in each of us that make us the most beautiful.

So yeah, I took the easy way out.  I took the road traveled by many others before me, and for me that made all the difference.  I was able to enjoy the week, and know in my heart that although not asked about the pictures in my home, they were there, and they comforted me.