Posted by: jenn11970 | February 20, 2009

Each Year That Passes

I don’t think I have ever been so happy to see spring around the corner.  We are due for more snow this weekend, but in my mind I know it is almost over, and none too soon.  I suffer from (mild) Seasonal Affective Disorder, and I no longer take meds but cope on my own.  Each year that passes, seems to get a little easier.  LO definitely keeps me busy and that is a HUGE plus.  For me, a busy mind and body, are a distracted mind and body.   It hasn’t been too bad this winter, but I was definitely blah more than the average person.  I started exercising this January and I think that may have helped a bit.  I also modified my diet a bit.  Eating more fruits and vegetables. It was much worse before reunion.  L was born in March.  So just as the days were starting to get a bit longer, I would enter the March Funk and really not recover from both until April.  Reunion however, has added its own little stresses here and there.

I am happy with my reunion so far, but sometimes feel like I have so many questions and so very few answers.  Although it is hard to get answers to questions I am too afraid to ask, or need to be spoken about in person.  I love talking to her.  She is so intelligent, deep, a great conversationalist, and an all around fun person to chat with.  We talk about all kinds of things.  Last week we actually talked about Physics for a bit.  Dimensions and string theory.  I hate Physics, as does L, but we started joking about Einstein and dimensional theory……it was very natural.  She is very careful to not offend me in regards to religion, which I find very humorous.  I struggle with my faith BIG TIME!!  I am Catholic, raised from birth, but haphazard at best with the practicing part.  I love it when I am there, but I struggle with the role of women in the church.  I also struggle with the stem cell research end of the church.  I struggle with them in my bedroom, your bedroom, his bedroom, her bedroom….I think you get the picture.  I struggle with the fact that so many of our Bible stories are “stolen” from more ancient places than Judaism could ever imagine.  The Sumerians, Phoenicians, Babylonians…..  our stories are very old, and not credited to the ones that should have the credit.  I don’t know.  Jumped the track…..sorry……suffice it say we talk about lots of stuff.

We talk about all these things.  She also finds it fascinating and has done some similar reading.  We talk about so much, but then I get off the phone, and I miss her.  I feel like we don’t talk about that.  We do tell each other how much we miss one another, but never a reason as to why.  We don’t get deep, it is too scary.  Too real.  Raises too  many questions that we don’t want to ask without having a face to gaze at to read the real feeling behind the voice.  We need the body language to verify the words. I have actually cried after getting off of the phone with her.  I just want to be able to have hours to talk to her.

I know why I miss her.  It is natural for me to miss her.  It is natural for me to want to know everything I can about this very cool person.  It is natural for me to want to see what I missed, and for me to want to imagine or think about what might have been if…….   Honestly, I don’t think I would want her to be any different than she is now.  She is perfect.  She really is.

I don’t know that she would have been this same person if I had raised her or if I had been in her life for yearly visits.  We are very alike although not together for 20 years.

We share interests and talents although not together for 20 years.

We share speech patterns and thought processes even though we were seperated for 20 years.

We share mannerisms although seperated for 20 years.

It makes me wonder about the child I am parenting now.  I see her mimic my mannerisms, and speech patterns, but will that change???  Will she too, develop the way L has??  Or did L just walk to the beat of her own drum.  Her parents both say she was always different, and they embraced it fully.  They love her very much, and always have, but there were times they just had to shake their head and go along.  Is that why I can see so many similarities?  They didn’t try to think of her as a blank slate and just let her be??

There are a few possibilities here.

— I am so desperate to connect with L on ANY level.  I see many, and continue to look for others to make up for all the lost time.

— Her parents did just let her grow.  Shook their heads and let it roll, so to speak.

–LO will continue to emulate me until she has a grasp of what she feels for herself, and then I will see a complete transformation. She will then be more like a mini-J than a mini-me.

— I have too much time on my hands and I am looking for things that really aren’t there, or wrong, and I am once again trying to borrow trouble.  Jinx it before I can enjoy it.  Possible I guess.

My thoughts lately are so fragmented that I am having trouble putting it out there.  If anyone can make some sense…..have at it.  I will sitting here today, enjoying a little it of sun for the next few hours before the snow rolls in.  Then I will go color with LO.  I will take all the mellow tones.  They soothe me.  Today, Cinderella will have a burgundy dress.  She and I will both feel warm.

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Responses

  1. I don’t dispute that it’s natural to look for similarities, ANYTHING, just to see a bit of you in their eyes.

    However, I don’t think what you see is exaggerated either. If you see it, it’s there. Genes are powerful, as powerful as environment.

    I also don’t think you’re borrowing trouble. You love and miss her because you’re her mother. Yes, her mother. She is of you, and you of her.

    I’m so glad you get to see her soon, and college graduation! How exciting.

  2. this is a roll…wow…

    I have a short time to comment…

    Spencer has a lot and I mean a ton of his birth moms and birth Aunt’s mannerisms. It is odd to watch. I catch them all the time. he eve has some of his birth Uncles. Now if I ever meet birth dad it should be interesting to see what he is like compared to him.

    I don’t see a lot of me in Spencer. We have skewed views my friend.

    Good to read you again.

    Miss you

  3. Yeah, it scares me, it actually really scared me to be so much like my mom, I mean we are different too.

    It was really hard on my identity development.

    The first thing my father said when he met me was, “My God, you move just like your mother”

  4. Thanks for the responses. Coco…you actually made me cry. I think of myself as her mother, but I don’t….make sense? Thank you for that.

    Joy, to hear that it scares you makes me wonder if it scares her too. She loves to hear where some of her traits may have come from, but I find myself holding some back because I want her to be allowed to be HER. Not a mini-me or a mini-him or even a mini of her adoptive parents.(only using the qualifier so as not to confuse, they are her parents ; ) ) I think it is important for her to own her own identity separate from all of us. At the same time, I am floored and happy at all the similarities. Hope I made sense LOL!

    Thanks again, and yes Deb….I may even dust off some more posts!! Delaney is a lot like her first mom in looks, but she is sassy, like me…LOL!!!

  5. Jenn, that’s the line I think we all walk, too.

    K is so very like me at her age…God, I could write my teenage years and, with a few notable exceptions (I was always a girly girl ans she is very gothpunk skater kid), we could be one another. I try not to say that ALL THE TIME because, you know, she does need to be her, apart from me.

    Yet it’s spooky how alike we are. Yet again, she is also a product of her environment, because her (a) mom is artistic, and so is she…but so am I, and my whole maternal family. Her mother is very laid back and so K got that, where I am high strung and rocky. But then…K has my inner lockdown of emotions. K is also very self-aware and self-conscious and feels kind of alone in her skin, where her parents are more extroverted, more confident, those people who ski and have athletic grace. She and I are both ABLE, just unimpressed with, athletics.

    See? It’s a complex web. A long line of traits and people and circumstance.

    That we recognize and celebrate each other for who we are is what’s so important.

    Sending you love.


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