Posted by: jenn11970 | August 1, 2008

Easy way out??

I have been working on a few different posts and keep getting distracted, or I delete them altogether.  I can’t seem to get my feelings straight and sort of feel as though I took the easy way out.

We had a lovely visit with Dh’s family.  I left ALL of my pictures of L out and truly, that was huge for me.  I actually felt at peace with the thought they may ask about them, and then I would be able to tell them.  The best laid plans and all that…….

Where did all the preconceived notions about the types of women who get pregnant before being married come from??  Who sent out the memos carefully describing the financial backgrounds, familial backgrounds, intelligence, number of sexual partners, and abilities of these women to have a future?  I ask this, because I got to hear not only my MIL, but my 30-something SIL go on and on about teen pregnancy and the types of girls this happens to.  Only girls who think they have no future…….really, hmmmm.  Only girls who had a family that didn’t show any interest in them during their formative teenage years…….really?  Interesting.  If only these girls realized that by having sex and getting pregnant  they were throwing their whole life away.  Who can have respect for them, if they have no respect for themselves?  Yeah….who??

I think maybe, dear readers, you are realizing that I said nothing to them about L.  I say, let the ignorant live in bliss.  Yes, I took the easy way out.  I still have to live with these people in my life.  I love them very much, and really don’t feel like making my MIL feel like an idiot because she would have to apologize for what came out of her mouth regarding GIRLS LIKE ME.  What purpose would it serve to make a 76 year old woman wonder why her son and I kept a secret from her for 16 years.  What purpose would it serve to make her feel uncomfortable, wondering if I really accepted her apology for all of the very narrow-minded comments made about girls who have relinquished?  Most importantly, do I want to share my daughter with people like that, who think that the woman who gave birth to her, is basically a loser??

I am confident enough to know I am not a loser.  I believe in myself enough to know I can accomplish anything I put my mind to.  I am bright enough to know that telling them about a time in my life that was difficult for me, but I survived, will not change the way they see the countless young women everyday that get pregnant out of wedlock.

Bottom line……I share L with the people who have taken the time to really know me.  I share her with those that I feel most comfortable sharing my story with.  Fair to her??  Not really.  At this point, is my DH’s Mother someone L would meet??  Not likely.  Can I get through to my SIL?  Possibly.  She is someone I think I could “change”.  My MIL is too steeped in her religious “right and wrong” to be able to see outside her marble box and beyond her stain-glassed windows.  Could that change in a year?  Sure, anything is possible, just ask the Cubs!!  They could win a pennant.  Probably not this year, but does that mean all of their fans should give up on them?  I am not giving up forever, I am just giving up this round in the fight.  We need to choose our battles, and today I feel like I chose wisely.  Even DH was shocked at what his Mom had to say.  He is a supportive man, and I am both blessed and lucky to have him to be forever at my side.  We both agree that right now, it is his family’s loss to not have the ability to take off their rose-colored glasses long enough to see the real woman before them.

I am a survivor.

I am strong.

I am intelligent.

I am vibrant.

I am opinionated, but always ready to listen to an opposing argument.

I am a Mother to 2 wonderful girls.  One being raised by me to respect both of her Moms, and the other already raised to respect “women like me” for the decisions made.

I am not perfect, but sometimes it is the imperfections in each of us that make us the most beautiful.

So yeah, I took the easy way out.  I took the road traveled by many others before me, and for me that made all the difference.  I was able to enjoy the week, and know in my heart that although not asked about the pictures in my home, they were there, and they comforted me.

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Responses

  1. Oh Jenn {{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}

    That must have been a hard visit for you! You are a strong woman and mother, and you are doing what is best for everyone right now.

    If you left all the pictures out, does that mean that they didn’t notice them? Sounds like they might be kinda self-centered then. How did this lovely conversation even get started? Ughhh.. changing people is hard isn’t it?

  2. Thanks Andy. A lot of people have said that with the amount of pictures I have in my Living Room and Dining Room, it looks like my family died in a tragic accident!! I have a lot of old pictures of my G-Grandparents mixed with current pictures of family, so I am not surprised they missed the 6 pictures of L mixed in with them. LOL!!!

    As far as how we got on that line of talking, my SIL is a teacher in HS. She was going on and on about how she loses as many as 3 girls a year to teen pregnancy……so you can see how the conversation went from there.

    They are really good people, just very set in their very old-fashioned, bubble world mentality. KWIM?
    Thanks again for the hugs. It means a lot.

  3. I absolutely know….I often wonder what my status as a firstmom with not one but TWO college degrees would do to them! But I stay quiet and keep my knowledge to myself. Perhaps it’s the easy way out, but sometimes we just need to do what’s going to protect ourselves too you know? We’re no good to our daughters if we don’t take care of ourselves emotionally.

  4. Well, I know what kind of W.O.M.A.N you are and I can speculate what kind of G.I.R.L. you were…I see little difference…

    and because we have talked IRL to great extent about this I will leave my comment at that.

  5. Jenn I have been checking in and hoping, hoping for an update.

    I understand the complexities. Just sending big hugs.


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