Posted by: jenn11970 | June 9, 2009

Home Movies and Infinite Love

My parents were more picture takers than home movie people.  I am the oldest of 5 kids and I suspect the cameras for home movies were more expensive than what they could afford.  Our lives are documented through dozens of photo albums.  When I was asked if I wanted to see L as a child in video, I of course, said YES!!  I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it, but I know myself.  I have learned how to bury my emotions where L is concerned, very deep.  I have had a lot of practice in doing this over the years.  So after getting home from the verbal assault by Auntie Rosie, we donned our jammies and headed to the family room to watch old home movies.

It was very weird to see that first Christmas, and the lump growing in my throat was beginning to really get to me.  She was so cute.  I could almost imagine the same scene unfolding around my tree, in my home, if things had gone differently.  My mind went to places I hadn’t allowed it to in years.  What if???  Why didn’t I???  If I had just???  I quickly swept those under the rug in a mind adept at cleaning itself quickly of thoughts that are too painful to think about and too surreal to imagine.  Tiny pieces of You weren’t fit, and You were too young threatened to bubble to the surface, but were quickly replaced with spoken comments of’,” She is so cute, I love the dress you picked out.”  I needed to distract in order to get through these next 2 hours.  As the movies moved into her 5th Christmas, I began to see me.  She is all me at that age.  Same shade of hair, long and unruly on early Christmas morning.  She has my mannerisms in pushing that hair away from her face.  She is intense, and gazes at each toy, and then delves into each task with rapt attention.  She wants to understand the toy, play with it yes, but find out all it can do.  She has the cutest raspy voice.  Upon waking she sounds like she has laryngitis for the first part of the morning.  I smile at that, revelling in hearing her voice,taped at a time when I would have sold my soul to the devil to hear it for real.  I imprint that sound, hearing it over and over for the next few days, then filing it away for when I might need it.  We finish watching a few more and at 2:30 am we all head off to bed.  I would shed my tears for these memories made, saved, and shared with me, on the plane ride home on Monday.

On Sunday we decided we would walk around the North end of Boston and go to the Italian section for the BEST TIRAMISU I HAVE EVER HAD!!!!  We also went to where the statue of Sam Adams is, and did a bit of souvinier shopping for my hubby and kiddo.  We talked about school, and what she wanted to do.  We watched street performers and had a very relaxing day.  There was something lurking under her surface calm, and I am sure she is struggling with a lot but doesn’t want to use OUR time on this weekend to get into it.  All in her time, and I am hoping it will be opened when we get together in my neck of the woods.  She will be able to be a bit more open, andnot have to worry about her parents wondering why she may seem upset and such.  That is my plan anyway.  We shall see.

After our sight seeing, we head to the graduation party of one of her cousins that graduated the same weekend.  This Uncle is the best cook in the world, and I had such a great time at this get-together.  I was of course met at the door by Auntie Rosie.  She was making small talk with me, and L by this time, was not wanting me to be hurt again by her. I was wearing a Notre Dame sweatshirt and jeans and L was in her A&F sweatshirt and jeans.  Rosie catches us 3o seconds after we enter the home.

Rosie: ” L!!!!  (BIG HUGS) So glad you got here!!  I love you sooooo much!!  Hi Jenn, did you enjoy walking around Boston today?”

Me:” Oh yes, I had a great guide, and she took me to have the best tiramisu ever.  Wonderful day I must say.”

Rosie:  “Very good.  Huh….I thought you were from TN.  Where exactly do you live?”(Looking at my sweatshirt)

Me: (I Vanna White my sweatshirt)” Um, Indiana.  Right near Notre Dame.”

Rosie: ” We like ND, but we are bigger patriot fans.”

Me:” I am a brave NY Giant fan.  Ha ha….(think back to superbowl those of you who follow football) My whole family are Giants fans.”

Rosie: (Pulling L in tight and hugging her) “WE are ALL patriot fans in this family, isn’t that right L?”

L: ( I could have hugged and kissed her right here)” Actually Auntie Rosie, I couldn’t care less about football, I am a Red Sox fan. Jenn, Uncle B is the best cook….let’s get something to eat and sit outside with the others.”  (Big smile…all teeth…so sassy….yet respectful)  LOL!!!  We walk to thhe food tables and make up our plates and head outside.

Great food, wonderful conversation, and a group of people I felt a kinship to immediately, were outside.  L’s Mom and Dad, one of her Uncles, a couple of 20 something cousins, and the cousin that felt threatened by me were all out there laughing and having a great time.  I grabbed a beer, and joined right in.  They were speaking my language……foood and cooking, specifically Italian cuisine…..I was home.  Cousin D (threatened one) hands me a gift bag.  She tells me to not open it until I get back to L’s house.  She doesn’t want a lot of prying eyes and all…..I thank her.

Food and drink, good conversation and much laughter.  That is how the day before I must leave her again  unfolds.  Such a big difference from the night before.  Laid back, like me.  We say our good byes, shed a few tears, and head home.  I was not prepared for the present and beautiful card Cousin D gave me.  It was a Willow Mother and Daughter figurine.  Her card thanked me (yuck) for my sacrifice, but rejoiced that our lives have now come full circle.  She is happy that her cousin’s daughter now feels complete, and that the reason is me.  To say I was touched is an understatement and I began to cry right there.  L’s Mom assured me she was told what Cousin D had bought, and she said she was soooooo happy they were finally getting it.

Love is infinite……..we are always capable of making more when we need to, and our hearts have the capacity to welcome all those worthy of entering.  I am thankful we have welcomed each other into each other’s lives and families.

NEXT:  L’s Mom and I get deep regarding where L feels she belongs, or doesn’t belong??


  1. Your killing me…come on…write faster…

  2. Wow this is so amazing to read. Watching the films must have been painful and wonderful all at the same time. Thanks for writing this.

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