I just had a wonderful visit with the daughter I relinquished almost 23 years ago. L came to see me at my home, and I was ablsolutely THRILLED!!! We went to see the usual things people want to see when they visit me, Notre Dame, Amish areas, and we also went into Chicago and hung out at the Navy Pier for a bit before her flight to her next destination. It was fast, but it was so nice to see her and it felt like we both needed the visit. She just recently had her boyfriend of over 2 yrs break up with her and she was crushed. Some of the break up had to do with her parents kind of interjecting their feelings about him into their relationship, so she really just wanted to get away to clear her mind. I am glad she saw me as a tiny oasis in her life. Because we are so much closer in age than she is with her parents, I think she sometimes sees me as that big sister she never had. That is pretty cool to me, and I am happy to fill that role if that is what she needs. She is so easy to love, and I really hated to hear her pain on the phone. I needed to hug her as much as she needed one from me, I think.
We had some deep convos……….She wants to know about her biological dad’s family. We had a very nice talk about it, and we both expressed the pros and cons, and had our first real “adoption” convo. We talked about adoptee rights, anger and disappointment from the first parent perspective, and about a lot of the stereotypes that out there regarding adoption. It was interesting to me that she is where I was when I first stumbled onto the adoption community about 10 years ago. I feel I gave her a balanced description of the differing sides and views, and I think it gave her a bit to think about. I explained about unwed mother’s homes, and the BSE, as she was not really familiar with some of the terms. All in all, it was a very nice conversation. After talking to her I spoke to my mother and together we decided that she is going to contact L’s paternal bio grandma the first part of this year to let her know of L’s existence. It may see odd to some of you that this is the route we are choosing, but her bio dad has no idea she exists, and he is now married with 2 kids. We didn’t feel it was fair to upset his apple cart. We felt going through his Mom, she would know the best way to handle it, and having my Mom talk to her one on one, face to face, Mother to Mother, Grandmother to Grandmother, would have less shock value. People are welcome to disagree, but please remember that no two situations are the same, as all people are different in their reactions. My family has had 2 decades to process, she is going to go through all of her emotions at a very rapid rate of speed.
L is okay if all they want to give her is medical info. She knows he has no idea what went on 23 years ago. She has been having some medical things crop up, and would really like to know both halves of her genetic make up. I totally understand, and love her enough to do the right thing. I just don’t want to see her hurt, and told her as much. She is more concerned with me being hurt by them, by their possible anger, and words. I assured her that I am not that 17 yr old girl anymore, and will have no problem reminding anyone to speak me like an adult, for that is what I am. LOL!! There is really nothing they can say, think, or feel about me that I have not already felt about myself. I have forgiven the 17 yr old, and I have come to terms with the decisions, right or wrong, that she made. I am in a much better place than I was in all those years ago. The nicest thing she said was that she already had a better relationship with me than she ever hoped she could have with with me, and that she knew it would get even better as time goes on. Of course, I cried. Imagine. She is not looking to replace that relationship, but I think she is hopeful he will want to know her. She does NOT want to “F*** up his world” as she puts it. I tried to reassure her that I didn’t want that either, but that I really felt that all she would do was enhance his life, because of who she was. She has that way about her. When and if they do meet her…….they will not be able to deny her relation to them. As much as she resembles me, she also has a lot of their characteristics too. Once the shock and anger wear off, I truly think they will want to know her.
So, my best Christmas present ever????? Getting to see L 2 days after Christmas, and spend time with her. I got the gift of ushering in the New Year with the knowledge that a little more of the adoption weight will be lifted in 2010 when S’s family is finally told of L’s existence. My life will no longer be in the closet. It will be scary, but I know in the end, the weight will be gone!
Here is to 2010…….A new beginning at the end of one decade, feeding the next.