Posted by: jenn11970 | July 3, 2008

Confusion and Disrespect

I am gearing up for a nice visit with my MIL and SIL and her husband.  This will be the first visit for my MIL since the loss of Dh’s Dad last October.  There is probably going to be some sadness, since many of the Firsts after the death of a loved one can be triggering.  I am also worried about D since when Grandma walks in, she will be looking for Grandpa.  She had him wrapped.  Oh did she have him wrapped.  I have been talking to her a little bit about death and heaven, but I know she is not grasping the concept.  (At his wake she asked why Grandpa was sleeping in that toy box…..it was innocent and sad all at the same time.  She was less than 2.5 at that time, but since we haven’t had any other funerals to attend, the subject just really doesn’t get touched.  KWIM?)

Anyway, with this upcoming visit has come a lot of dusting, and while dusting I do all the frames.  I have many pictures of L scattered about the house, and since my in-laws don’t know about L, I had a mini breakdown today.  I HATE having to put her pictures away.  My family loves them, my friends love them, even friends of friends love them.  I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing L with anyone that enters my home.  WHY DO I LET IT INTERFERE WHEN MY IN-LAWS COME?????  This is my home and I should be able to have anything on my end table in the living room I wish to have there.  However, I don’t.  I called my Mom while putting my pictures away and told her what was going on within my tortured mind.  Unfortunately, she was at work and would not be able to bounce me into reality for 30 minutes.  Okay…..I will continue cleaning like a mad woman to keep my mind busy.

Fate, a feeling from far away, maybe she knew I was struggling and needed to hear her voice….who knows.  L called me 10 minutes later.  She was in line waiting to get in to see the Boston Pops tonight.  She was with all of her friends, and wanted to say hi, and wanted to know what the name of my town was again.  One of her friends had just driven through Indiana, and had passed my town, but didn’t know how to pronounce it.  I had to chuckle at the reason for the call.  We chatted about this and that, and I commented that I didn’t wnat her friends to think me rude for keeping her on the phone.  She assured me, it was okay.  (Love that girl!!)  L says,”Say hi to Jenn everyone!!”  They did.  Really put a smile on my face.  We chat for a few more minutes and then say good-bye.  Then…..right there, in front of all her friends, friends who know her Mom and Dad, she says, “I Love You.”  I tell her I love her too, and to be careful.  It hit me then as I hung up the phone.

She is not afraid to put us out there, why am I??  She is so happy to have me in her life no matter what people might think.  She is more together than this 38 year old Mom.  I am going to talk to DH tonight because I think I am going to tell them while they are here.  It really hurts me to not have my girls’ pictures on my piano, side by side.  That is my sanctuary, and they are with me when I play.  I think that picture was the hardes for me to remove as it was the first picture I saw the night her parents found me.  I shouldn’t have to hurt, and I am certainly not ashamed.  His Mom is very old-fashioned.  If she thinks differently of me after 16 years with her son, For something that happened 21 years ago, then she isn’t someone I need in my life. Plain and simple.  It will hurt because of how much she means to DH, but I hope it will go well.  Because she loves him, I think it will be fine.

Wish me luck.  I have dealt with this confusion long enough and I am not going to disrespect my daughter any longer.

Advertisements
Posted by: jenn11970 | May 26, 2008

Been doing some thinking…..UH-OH

I know I spoke about the graduation party that L was invited to and how I felt about it. I have been feeling very insecure about our “relationship” and then to find out my Aunt invited her kind of behind my back, really upset me. My Mom really didn’t understand. I emailed L and her response was that she wouldn’t be able to go because she thinks her cousin’s graduation party is the same day. She did also say she would have felt uncomfortable there without me. Ok, cool. So I inform my Mom. A big hairy fight ensued. We are fine now, as we don’t really let those kinds of things continue to fester for days. I did however finally get her to understand a few things.

She doesn’t get why I can’t just have my relationship with L and be happy that all the waiting is over. Why do I think about everything I say and everything I want to do. Just say what I want to say, do what I want to do, and let it be. HAH!!! She was so angry I got the “you aren’t the only one who suffered for 20 years Jennifer Anne,I lost something too, my granddaughter.” Then this,”My life was never the same after you did what you did.” Hmmmmmm. Interesting. Definitely gave me some food for thought, or should I say coal for the raging inferno of anger that erupted from my mouth!! No eruptions tho’ until this statement,” Why can’t you just love her. Just love her, Jenny. That’s what I do.”

Alright. That was it. Easy words to say, and of course I love her. How much more obtuse of a statement could she have made??? I finally let it all out and boy did it come out. In a nut shell……..

Of course I love her, but I have to be very careful with how I love her, how I show her and how much. My Mom can love her all she wants. First and foremost she is GUILT-FREE!!!! She is also the Grandma and since L doesn’t have any grandparents living……..no one to “compete” with. I am using compete, but I don’t want it misinterpreted. L is overjoyed to have grandparents again. I have to worry about loving her like a Mom would and should, because SHE HAS A MOM!!!! I need to be careful to not step over any lines because I don’t ever want her to feel like she is being disloyal. I never want her to feel like she has to choose. My worry is that I will smother her, and that is something I WON’T allow myself to do. Since I do have contact with many more experienced adult adoptees in reunion, I am more aware of some of the pit-falls than my Mom would be. I can’t and don’t fault her, but for crying out loud, she needs to try and listen and not think me crazy for some of the things I think and feel in regards to this reunion. If I am guilty of over-thinking, and I probably am, it is because I don’t want L to feel uncomfortable……ever. She knows I love her, and I know she loves me. The point I was trying to make was that I think L loves the IDEA of getting to know me and my family. She loves the IDEA that more of her history is now complete. She loves the IDEA of having a relationship with me and my family. I love the PERSON. I always have. I remember her, I carried her for 9 months. She has no memory of me, so the idea is easier to love than the stranger. Make sense??? Sadly, it did in my mind, but as I write it out, it does sound crazy.

Reunion = happiness for many reasons. However, reunion also = CRAZY!!!! I feel like I have to educate my family, but then I sound like a know it all. That is how my Mom described it to me. She said I always have a reason for anything relating to L, and I make her feel like she knows nothing and I am an expert. Gee, damned if I do and damned if I don’t……EDUCATE. I am happy she sees this as our family’s reunion, but deep down, I don’t feel that way. This is MY reunion. I so wish reunion came with a road map. I really do.

I will continue to give L space as I think it is what she needs. I am more than willing to wait. It is the very least I can do. She knows where I am and how I feel. When she is ready, I will be there with my arms, my heart, and the door……wide open.

Posted by: jenn11970 | May 21, 2008

    Wow, I’ve been tagged!!  Thanks to Andy, I can actually do it, and link it!!  Thank you for tagging me.  I had trouble with some of the links……sorry.  Blog Challenged!!!!

    Favorite person (outside family)? I love being around one of my husband’s college house mates.  His name is Jeff, and he is hysterical.  He and his wife just had their first child, and we can’t wait to go home to see them all!!!

    Favorite food? I love Italian food.  Especially mine since they are all my Grandma’s recipes.

    Quirks about you? When I listen to music, I not only know the words, but what the instruments are doing as well.  I have been known to “sing” guitar and bass solos.  LOL!!!

    How would the person who loves you most describe you in ten words or less? Warm, loving, word nerd that is always there for anyone.

    Any regrets in life? I regret the years I missed because of relinquishing my daughter, and I regret not telling the biological father about the pregnancy.  I also regret hiding the pregnancy from my parents because I could have used their support and guidance.

    Favorite Charity/ Cause? NMSSNational Multiple Sclerosis Society.  Do the MS Walk and raise money and awareness for MS!!!  I was actually on the planning committee for the MS walk in my county for 4 years.

    Favorite Blog recently? According to Addie and Joy’s Division I have been going through a rough communication patch with my daughter, and their honesty has really given me perspective.

    Something you can’t get enough of? Beautiful weather and My Little One!!

    Worst job you’ve ever had? Hmmmm clerk jerk at the local drug store when I was in High School.  It was so embarrassing when guys would buy condoms!!!  LOL!!

    What job would you pay NOT to have? I agree with Andy…. meat processing plant worker…BLECH!!!

    Favorite Bible verse right now? 1 Corinthians 13:4  Love is patient……

    Guilty Pleasure? Ice Cream from Dairy Cream….mmmmm Blizzard

    Got any confessions? None that I care to share here, I save those for my priest!!!

    If you HAD to spend $1,000 on YOURSELF, how would you spend it? My Teeth

    Favorite thing about your house?  I love my yard, and I love my pool.  LO has so much fun in our yard!!

    Least favorite thing about your house?  My blue and gold basement with the Go Blue Michigan border!!!  I am a Notre Dame fan for crying out loud.  (Came with the house!!)

    One thing you’re good at? Being diplomatic.  (Maybe I should run for office!!)

    If you could change something about your circumstances, what? I would live closer to my family which would put me closer to L.  Then we could really work on getting to know one another.

    Who would you like to meet someday? The family of my Great Grandmother.  She was adopted and we have very little info on her family tree.

    What makes you feel sexy? The way my husband looks at me when he thinks I am not looking.  It is full of love and honesty.

    Who is your real life hero? My husband.  Although dealing with MS, he gets up every day and goes to work, loves his family, and has found a place for his disability.  I admire him so much!

    What is the hardest part of your job? Being a stay-at-home mom, some days it is time management, sometimes it is missing the adult interaction of a “normal” job.

    When are you most relaxed? As soon as my husband gets home from work.

    What stresses you out? HAHAHAHAHA!  the political forum on Adoption Threads!  I hate seeing people tear one another down to make their point!

    What can you not live without? My family. I am the oldest of 5 kids, and I can honestly say I couldn’t live without any of them!!!

    Do you agree or disagree with the recent article that reported that blogs are authored by narcissists? I didn’t read the article, but I think everyone is a bit narcissistic.

    Why do you blog? To release some of my stresses and to share my story with anyone who wants to read it and may think they are alone in their feelings.

    Who are you tagging? clbrannan and Justice

    New/Newer bloggers: Living the Dash
    Bloggy friends: DebP and Andy

    Bloggers you’d like to get to know better: Justice and Addie

    Bloggers you don’t think will respond, but you hope will : Not really sure.

    Rules:

    1. Answer the questions
    2. Link back to whoever tagged you
    3. Tag eight bloggers to do the same, 2 from each category.

  • New/ newer bloggers (since we want to share the love and send them traffic)
  • Bloggy friends
  • Bloggers you’d like to get to know better
  • Bloggers you don’t think will respond, but you hope will
Posted by: jenn11970 | May 13, 2008

Still Nothing

I suppose if I have to be honest, I will say that I have all but run to the mailbox for the last 2 days.  I am guessing that we are in a bit of uncharted territory right now, and neither of us has really spoken about how we feel and where we hope things will go.  I have really stepped back a bit because I know she is really taking a lot of difficult classes and has needed the time to focus on school.  Her boyfriend was also ill this semester and in the hospital for about 1.5 weeks, and I know she was worried sick about him.  She has definitely got a full plate, and I think what I feel really needs to take a back burner.  After all, we do have the rest of our lives to sort out all of this junk, right??   Knowing that logically really doesn’t make me feel any better.

I am torn about where I stand and my extended family is really no help.  I received an email from my Mom’s youngest sister informing me that she had invited L to my cousin’s HS graduation party in June.  They live back east and I will not be attending, but she didn’t even talk to me before deciding to invite her.  I AM NOT TRYING TO KEEP HER FROM MY FAMILY, OR TRYING TO CONTROL WHO INVITES WHOM, WHERE.  I just think it would have been nice if she had told me her plans.  I might have tried harder to get there.  (We will have company here which is why we can’t go.)  I think it is also her last line of the email: ‘Let me know if you think I over stepped a line somewhere.’

In my experience, if you think there might have been a line there, or if you need to voice the thought that a line may have been crossed, then maybe there is a faint line there??  AM I crazy??  I want her to be brought into the fold of my family, and I am glad everyone is trying to make her feel like a part of the family, but I sure wish she had spoken to me.  I don’t ever want to feel like my family is putting L on the spot.  I don’t ever want her to feel OBLIGATED to make “nice” if she really doesn’t want anything to do with them.  Since we haven’t really talked about some of these things in depth, I really don’t know how she feels!  Again, am I over-thinking???  I hate the ride…. I want to get off!!!  I feel nauseous!!!

Now there is LO.  I don’t ever want to worry that I will not be in the moment while I am with her.  That has been pretty difficult for about the last week.  I find myself laughing and playing with her in the yard, then zoning out, sort of staring into space. Between no card, and the knowledge that L told my Aunt she would see if she could go to the party, my mind has been BUSY!!!  Today I decided I really have to stop worrying and just let things take their course.  Usually this is easier said than done.  It will be a little hard for me since I am such a control freak, but hey….. this old dog is in need of some new tricks.

I am going to take a deep breath, and focus on the here and now.  Playing the woulda-coulda-shoulda game is no fun, and in my here and now, I have to worry about my family and LO.  I can’t control everything or everyone, I can only be here when and if she needs me.  When she does, I want to be in the best frame of mind I possibly can.  That means calm, reassuring, and arms wide open.  For both of them.

Posted by: jenn11970 | May 12, 2008

Mother’s Day

Well Happy belated Mother’s Day to all those wonderful moms out there.  I had every intention of posting a nice Mother’s Day shout to everyone, but you know the old saying…the best laid plans…..

Yesterday was an okay day.  Husband was out of town on business, and as luck would have it, the business was in NY, so he spent the weekend with his Mom.  I am glad he was there with his other siblings to celebrate his Mom for her first Mother’s Day since his Dad passed away.  I am sure she needed them as much as they needed to honor her.  It sounded like they all had a great day, and aside from having to spend it without him, my day was okay.

I had my cousin, a widow and mother of 1, and her friend, a single mother of 1, over for dinner and a few glasses of wine.  I made us all a very nice dinner and my cousin made the most fabulous cheesecake for  dessert.  DH gave me a dozen long-stemmed roses before he left, and I had told my cousin about them, jokingly referring to them as “guilt roses”.  She had said she would love any roses, even guilty ones, on Mother’s Day, since she had NEVER gotten flowers in the 9 years since becoming a mom.  We both laughed that in a few more years her son would have a small part time job and that then maybe she would get flowers.  So on Saturday I went out and bought 2 dozen roses and 2 very pretty vases, and 2 special Mother’s Day cards.  When my 2 Mommy guests got to my home yesterday…….they were both very happy and surprised that they had been honored as special moms by LO and myself.  It felt sooooo good to make someone else happy.  Both ladies said they were going to take their flowers to work with them so they could have them on their desks!!!  I am in awe of how they manage their children’s busy schedules along with their own.  They have been a constant source of information for me, and since none of us are perfect, while making my own mistakes, I learn from their mistakes as well.

On a gray note, I did not hear from the daughter I am in reunion with.  It hurts, but I put it in perspective and realize that although we have this relationship of sorts, I need to be happy with what is, and not sad about what isn’t.  Hope that makes sense. Maybe there will be a card today, but I am not going to hold my breath.   Much like the healing process from the adoption 21 years ago, the building process will take time too.  The rational side of me is doing well, the emotional side cried a few times yesterday, and will probably shed a few tears over the next few days.  Then I shall pull myself up by the boot straps and forge forward into the glorious future that I know awaits me.

Yeah. Right.  That is what my mind will force me to do.  I guess I will know better by Wednesday or Thursday which part of my psyche wins out……the emotional, or the logical.  I think I will just keep myself busy with the spring cleaning and yard work that is always in need of getting done this time of year.

Happy Mother’s Day again to all the women who are called Mom and thought of as Mom, for not only yesterday but every day throughout the year.

Posted by: jenn11970 | May 9, 2008

Wow… a New Low…Non-Mom

Non-Mom. That is the category used by NBC and Telefora for adoptive Moms. As a First Mom, I almost expect to be put into a “special”category on Mother’s Day. I have lived my own little special hell every Mother’s Day quietly reminding myself that I was a mother even though I wasn’t raising my daughter. Now….Now raising the daughter we ADOPTED, I am still not a Mother????????? If I am not her mother, who is??

In my way of thinking, The only thing different about my family, is how it came to be. I Mother the same way my Mom did, the way her Mom did, the way my Dad’s Mom did. I will raise my daughter to the best of my ability EVERY day. I am not more or less Mom than someone that gave birth to their kids.

NBC changed the category title on their website, but I am still not happy. the following is what was on their website earlier today. Now we are labeled “The Adopting Mom”. The only person in that group I would not call a “technical” Mom is the woman running an orphanage. She is probably the only Mom many of those kids know, and I am sure she loves them all the way a Mom would, but she is not legally a Mom. The other 2 women in that group are, and do not need a label. If I were to label the one woman, I would call her “A Special Mom”.

Enough ranting. I can’t even keep a straight train of thought. Please use the contact info below and make yourselves heard. I hope they will listen. Feel free to also join this Facebook group if you are on Facebook and support our cause.

“Non-Moms” and supporters against TeleFlora Mother’s Day Campaign

I will fess up now that I copied and pasted most of what Deb wrote in her blog regarding NBC, below. It will allow me to get this posted faster. Thanks Deb!!

The non-mom mom

Grandparent, stepmom, or mom to adopted children, each one raising and loving a child. A priceless gift for everybody.

So..how does that make you feel..and hey, all you real honest to God moms what do you think…how non mom am I!!

Oh and if you want to glare at it with thine own eyes….

Please voice your thoughts to those who can make a difference…I have…and I may again…It sure would be nice to know that you can’t possibly agree with this crap.

A phone number to call and complain (1-800-Teleflora – 1-800-225-7435) and this information if you want to write a complaint-AFM TV LLC
11444 W. Olympic Blvd., 10th Floor
Los Angeles, CA 90064
Attn: Chief Legal Officer
Fax: (310) 966-5758

People are emailing the Today Show – Today@NBCUNI.com and some are even emailing Donnie and Marie to send complaints. Someone called this number 212-664-4249 and got a live person to complain to (whom she said agreed with her).

Posted by: jenn11970 | May 7, 2008

My words had meaning

I speak to my cousin every day.  We chat while she is on her way to work in the morning and then again while she is driving home.  Sometimes it is a vent session for her since she is a widow and raising a nine year old boy on her own, sometimes it is vent session for me for any variety of reasons.  Usually my rants are adoption related and she is an excellent listener and has actually helped me in more ways than she will ever know.  (Love you Cuz!!)  We live 10 minutes from one another and also attend the same church.  She sings in the choir and her son sits with us rather than sitting alone.  It has been really nice having her live close by for the last year.

This past Sunday was First Communion.  She had to sing at the 11:45 instead of the 9:30, and I didn’t go to the 11:45 mass.  When we spoke on Monday she started to tell me about how wonderful the mass was on Sunday.  All the little girls in their dresses and the little boys all dressed up…..everyone was so happy and it was very refreshing to feel.  She then started to tell me that our Priest gave a wonderful homily, which he usually does, but that part of it really bothered her.  I guess he was talking about how God, the Church, your Faith, are part of your home.  He then addressed the kids making their First Communion and said to them,” your first home was in your Mommy’s tummy, and you were very happy there.  It seemed big enough, but then you were born and your “home” got REALLY big, but your Mommy was still there and it still felt like home.”  He then went on to talk to them about how important the similarities are in children’s appearance to their parents, and that as they grew up they would begin to see themselves in their parents and others would see their parents in them as well.  Something along those lines, I wasn’t there and I am paraphrasing big time.

My cousin has heard me.  My words had meaning to her.  My feelings have had meaning to her.  She said the first thing she thought of as she heard him talk about the children’s first home being inside their Mommy, was me.  She wondered how my daughter would feel at her First Communion if she had heard him say those things.  She worried about whether LO would understand.  She knows we are open, and that as LO gets older we will explain J’s role in her life and who she is, but she was really concerned that LO would feel “less than” the other kids.  I could hear that in her voice.  We got into a nice conversation about how parents have been dealing with this type of stuff in schools for a long time, and that I felt confident, thanks to on line friends, that as these types of things come up, I will handle them.

I am really glad she told me about his homily.  It is something I am going to file away for a future conversation with him.  He is very young, and very open-minded, so I know he will take it seriously and to heart.  I am not upset at what he said…..I am happy that my cousin heard the words, and knew that what he said had alienated some children. That, for me, was HUGE!!!!

My words had meaning……….not only for me, but for her.

Posted by: jenn11970 | May 3, 2008

Took a break

I took a much needed break from thinking, writing, expressing, feeling, asking, telling, and a host of other -ing things.  I had a lot of things going on at once, and finally had to shut the door, leave the crap on the door step, and focus on my little family of 3.

I had 2 rather snarky blog posts written about some of things going on over the last couple of months, but decided it best to let the anger I had written in them remain there.  When I really thought about the things that were bothering me in those posts, I was so ashamed for feeling the way I did.  I am so glad I wrote, took a deep breath, decided on the break, reread, and decided to just write at another time.  Whew… dodged a few bullets that way too!!  I think it also allowed me to put a lot of the junk in perspective.  When we find ourselves sometimes facing circumstances that really make us uncomfortable, perspective is so essential.  I HAD NONE!!!!

Well here it is in a nutshell.  There were many things going on in my family personally, and most of those have worked themselves out.  One thing I always knew, but oh how we forget, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.  That includes the your Sisters-in-law too.  Sometimes I wish they were like the pictures that come frames…..replaceable, but then I have to remember they are family too.  Everything seems to be working itself out.

I then found out, and not from the person it should have come from, that DD’s First Mom is pregnant again.  She has been cutting school and it isn’t looking like we are going to see her walk the stage and get her diploma.  She would have been the FIRST one in her WHOLE family to graduate.  Her WHOLE EXTENDED family as well.  The young man she got pregnant with has only been her boyfriend since mid December, and she is due in October.  The golden lining in this is that her Mom and I have gotten very close as she is crushed right now. She was also less than thrilled to not be given the information from her pregnant daughter, but from another daughter and a friend.  Then we both got to verify it by looking at J’s MySpace page.  Yes, her mother and I found out from MySpace.  I was not spying, I am a friend of hers and can view it at anytime.  I am upset about the pregnancy, I really am.  I can openly say that.  I am afraid for her, and I am sad that she came so close to graduating and going to college.  She had finally had dreams, and now she is estranged from her Mom, got fired from her part-time job, has no license but is driving anyway, has no car, is lying to everyone and anyone about everything, and is living with the new boyfriend and his Dad and 2 other teenage friends.  Her mother is going nuts with worry, and I can’t say that I blame her.

It has been just a wretched 2 months.  I might blog a little more in depth about some aspects of this situation because I do not want anyone to think I don’t care about her.  I will of course try to help as much as I can, but the lying thing is really getting in the way.  As it is she only just called me for the first time since all the crap hit fan in March last week.  She waited 7 weeks to call and talk to me.  I don’t think anyone can imagine how much it hurt to be shut out by her after the type of relationship I thought we had.  Our relationship is a VERY open one.  She can pretty much call up anytime she wants to spend time with DD.  There were very few boundaries in place.  I consider her family, my family.  So to say this situation really hurt me, doesn’t even begin to do the hurt I felt justice.

Please don’t blast me, I have already blasted myself enough.  I just want to be able to have the relationship salvaged.  For me yes, but more importantly for the daughter we share.  It is important for J to be in DD’s life, but I want her there to reinforce the positive values we want to instill in DD.  Lying isn’t one I really want to nurture.  I love J very much, but the disappointment I feel right now really has me all knotted up.

I am sorry if my feelings hurt anyone.  I really am, but right now I am just trying to fix myself and my relationship with J.  That can’t be done if I can’t get rid of some of my frustration.  That is all this is….me getting out what I call “the uglies.”  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.  All I did know is that I had some friends that read here, and I wanted to let them know what was going on so I could get a little support, and maybe some good advice.  If you feel like you can’t be supportive, please don’t respond.  Remember… if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything……if you don’t have anything constructive to say, then don’t say anything.  If all you have is nasty, please keep it.  I get enough of that from my family, and I am tired of defending me, J, DH and others.

Thanks for reading, and I really hope I will be able to get back to blogging.  IT is something I really enjoy.

Oh Deb…..sorry I didn’t get in touch….I will DEFINITELY be hitting ya this week!!!  I hope all your tests go well!!!

Posted by: jenn11970 | March 6, 2008

Your Birthday

For my lovely Daughter,

Your birthday is coming in just 5 short days, and along with it, so many emotions. As I look back on all the birthdays that have passed since your birth, this one is just as important to me as the day you were born. On your birthday, 21 years ago, I gave you the gift of life. I gave you my love, my wishes for your future, and although I did not chose them, I gave you a family. I knew my family would always be there for you when you were ready, and I would always be there for you as well. How lucky are we that right now, we want each other. It is a connection that can never be broken.

Like the bracelet I have sent you for your birthday this year, our lives have come full circle and once again I am giving you some important gifts. I am giving you my love, my hopes for our future, and I am hoping our families will continue to embrace one another for the rest of our lives. I loved you then, and I love you now. I am so thankful for the opportunity to get to know you and to share myself, my family, and my love with you. The heart shaped tag attached to the bracelet is to hopefully remind you that you have always been, and will always be in my heart.

Happy Birthday. I love you!

Your Other Mother,

Jenn

Posted by: jenn11970 | March 6, 2008

Life sneaks up on you

Snow. It can be beautiful, or it can be a menace. This time snow brought me to my knees. Literally.

I got to spend the night in the hospital last Wednesday night as a patient in the Cardiac Decision Unit. Yes, the word Cardiac was in that last sentence. The day before, I had chest pains while shoveling the driveway and playing with Little One in the snow. I did some deep breathing and figured it was just a stitch, or cramp. Everything seemed okay later Tuesday night, and I just went about my daily evening routine. I woke up bright and early Wednesday and enjoyed coffee with the hubby and got him off to work and hung out with the babe. Shortly after putting her down for her nap I decided to sit down and check email etc. I started getting the strangest pain in my chest and then it shot across the chest and down the dreaded left arm. I was TERRIFIED!! I did the deep breathing thing again, and knowing if I went to the doctor they would do an EKG, I got in the shower to…….wait for it……SHAVE MY LEGS!!! How crazy am I ??? (My husband tore me new one for that little bit) I then got LO and drove to the nearest med point. They did the EKG and then told me I had to go to the hospital to get some blood tests. I called hubby, he met me at home, and we went to the hospital together. Thank God he did because they admitted me. I burst into tears.  All I could think about was who was going to take care of my husband and child???

I am 38, and I have now had my first stress test. I passed with flying colors, and all my blood work came back great too. No heart attack. No blocked arteries, and my cholesterol is wonderful. I pulled a muscle in my chest while shoveling snow. Yes, I pulled a muscle while shoveling snow. I have a very deep history of heart disease on both sides of my family, so I am glad I had it all checked out.

The moral of all of this rambling? Do not let life sneak up on you. If you think something may be wrong, just get it checked out. I am going to talk to my doctor and see if I am too young for a mammogram, and get that out of the way too. Why wait? The fear I had that night was like no other and all I kept thinking about was my husband having to take care of our daughter ALONE. I thought about all of the things I would miss in her life. It was absolutely terrifying.

Today, I am beginning the healthy portion of my life. I am eliminating the stress, eating healthier, and…….starting to exercise again. I have put on some weight, and it is now time to take it off and take my life back.

Today is a gift. One that I want to continue unwrapping.

« Newer Posts - Older Posts »

Categories