Progress

I have made a decision in my reunion, that I am trying to be comfortable with. I am going to just be me. I am sure you are thinking, really, wow, so who have been over the last 9 months?? Honestly, I feel like I have been a crazy person. I have not been able to put very many logical thoughts together to grasp the enormity of this reunion. I have behaved cool, calm, and collected, rationalizing all of my emotions on the inside and not letting them ooze anywhere near L. Where my Mother can hug her fiercely and tell her I Love You, L right off the bat, I took my time. I was waiting for a sign to drop out of the sky in the shape of a giant clock with these huge hands, covered in bright bulbs and pointing to the time shouting, “THE TIME IS NOW!!!!” I rationalized that I would know the “signs” when it was time. Then I get the letter from her that just about stopped my heart. She really wondered all those years WHO IS SHE??? WHERE IS SHE??? WHAT IS SHE LIKE??? My daughter, at 20 years old, did what I could not do. She was completely honest with me about her feelings about me. Holy crap, Batman, is she going to expect the same from me? What am I going to say to her? Do I tell her what has been in my heart since the moment I laid eyes on her? How deep should I get? I have been warned by her parents that she is very sensitive, and her feelings get hurt very easily. I don’t want to hurt her ever, especially when she is away at school trying to balance fun, papers, and classes. That is enough stress as it is when we are 20, how do I not stress her out. Then I keep reading her email, and start to think….I know she wants a response, I have to give her a response, but what the hell do I say? So as Nike says…Just do it!! I did. Here is what I wrote to her:

Dear L,

I was so excited to see an email from you today. School sounds like it is going well, anything in life worth anything, is usually hard work!! Hahaha. Sounds like you have a lot on your hands, and I hope some of the reading is at least interesting!! LOL.

As for the rest of your letter, all I can say is WOW. Jimmy used to say that he knew exactly when I would start going into my “zone”. He was always extra sweet to me, and always made sure to send me flowers not only for Valentine’s Day, but for your birthday as well. He said I would retreat to a place that he knew about, but was solely mine. It would start early February, and would last through March. There were years it took all I had inside to not curl up in a ball and want to hide beneath the covers to make the wondering stop… the worrying stop. You are right. I always wondered what you were doing, what interests you had, and what color hair and eyes you had. (I figured you wouldn’t be tall… LOL!!! Getting a little heavy, had to make you smile!!) I think I always knew in my heart you were doing well, that you were very loved. That is what I really wanted for you, and boy do you have it!!! Last year was the first year I could really feel the weight lift and getting to know your Mom and Dad, and you through them, really helped me a lot. You hit the nail on the head with complete. I feel wonderful knowing I have a chance to get to know you, and watch you grow into the amazing young woman I know you will be and see you becoming.

To be able to send you a card, and hear your voice on your birthday will be the best day of my life. It will bring me full circle to the first day I heard your tiny voice, and laid eyes on your gorgeous face. Sorry if this got a little mushy heavy, I know you have tons of classes to worry about, and I definitely don’t want to distract your mind, I just wanted you to know that yes, your Birthday this year will bring me immeasurable happiness!!!

Thank you for such a thoughtful letter. You never cease to amaze me! I love you too!! Always have.

Keep doing well in school, and you and your young man do make a fabulous couple!! Both so cute together!!

Love Ya!
Jenn

It was huge for me to admit that I have always loved her. To me, it is natural for me to have always loved her because I can remember when she was born and I have loved her since she was in the womb. (I may have been disconnected during my pregnancy, but I don’t doubt for a minute that I loved her even then. ) I have respected that it would be harder for her “love” me as much, or in the same way because let’s face it, I am a stranger to her who shares genes with her. She can’t remember me any more than she can remember the doctor that delivered her. That is a fact. So to let her know I have always loved her, was huge for me. I brought her to the moment of her birth, and made our relationship real. I let her know, for me, there was a bond, there was meaning, there was love. I WAS TERRIFIED TO SEND IT!!! Well I got a lovely response that has helped me see that it is okay to talk about some of this with her. She has had thoughts, and I think she is really wanting a  relationship. I have not written her back yet, but I did drop her a quick note to tell her I would be responding. I didn’t want her to think I felt the conversation wasn’t worth having. Here is her letter back:

Hey Jenn!

GO GIANTS! hahahah you have no idea how much crap I have been getting for that LOL!!

As for the rest of YOUR letter, it really brought tears to my eyes 🙂 I think that this time of year is going to be special for us and I am so glad. I am so very excited to finally experience my birthday knowing you! I am sure you feel the same and yet, it is exciting to know that you really spent my first birthday with me. It is interesting for me to think that you were there and I guess it is just incomprehensible for me to know you were there and I spent my life not knowing you until this past May.

You definitely won’t take away from my studies hahaha! It’s nice to get mushy letters every so often, especially when there are heart felt :). I look forward to hearing from you and I hope things are going swell!

I am glad you enjoy my pictured of Steve and I hahahah! He is a good person 🙂

Love,
L

Okay, I see the clock, it belongs in Vegas for crying out loud. I am making progress, and I am hoping to finally be me.  I will still err on the side of caution and take it slow, but I am not going to continue to go as slowly as I have been.  i have to make a choice; either I want her to get to know me, or I am going to continue to hide my true feelings from her.  I am done hiding.