Posted by: jenn11970 | July 3, 2008

Confusion and Disrespect

I am gearing up for a nice visit with my MIL and SIL and her husband.  This will be the first visit for my MIL since the loss of Dh’s Dad last October.  There is probably going to be some sadness, since many of the Firsts after the death of a loved one can be triggering.  I am also worried about D since when Grandma walks in, she will be looking for Grandpa.  She had him wrapped.  Oh did she have him wrapped.  I have been talking to her a little bit about death and heaven, but I know she is not grasping the concept.  (At his wake she asked why Grandpa was sleeping in that toy box… was innocent and sad all at the same time.  She was less than 2.5 at that time, but since we haven’t had any other funerals to attend, the subject just really doesn’t get touched.  KWIM?)

Anyway, with this upcoming visit has come a lot of dusting, and while dusting I do all the frames.  I have many pictures of L scattered about the house, and since my in-laws don’t know about L, I had a mini breakdown today.  I HATE having to put her pictures away.  My family loves them, my friends love them, even friends of friends love them.  I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing L with anyone that enters my home.  WHY DO I LET IT INTERFERE WHEN MY IN-LAWS COME?????  This is my home and I should be able to have anything on my end table in the living room I wish to have there.  However, I don’t.  I called my Mom while putting my pictures away and told her what was going on within my tortured mind.  Unfortunately, she was at work and would not be able to bounce me into reality for 30 minutes.  Okay…..I will continue cleaning like a mad woman to keep my mind busy.

Fate, a feeling from far away, maybe she knew I was struggling and needed to hear her voice….who knows.  L called me 10 minutes later.  She was in line waiting to get in to see the Boston Pops tonight.  She was with all of her friends, and wanted to say hi, and wanted to know what the name of my town was again.  One of her friends had just driven through Indiana, and had passed my town, but didn’t know how to pronounce it.  I had to chuckle at the reason for the call.  We chatted about this and that, and I commented that I didn’t wnat her friends to think me rude for keeping her on the phone.  She assured me, it was okay.  (Love that girl!!)  L says,”Say hi to Jenn everyone!!”  They did.  Really put a smile on my face.  We chat for a few more minutes and then say good-bye.  Then…..right there, in front of all her friends, friends who know her Mom and Dad, she says, “I Love You.”  I tell her I love her too, and to be careful.  It hit me then as I hung up the phone.

She is not afraid to put us out there, why am I??  She is so happy to have me in her life no matter what people might think.  She is more together than this 38 year old Mom.  I am going to talk to DH tonight because I think I am going to tell them while they are here.  It really hurts me to not have my girls’ pictures on my piano, side by side.  That is my sanctuary, and they are with me when I play.  I think that picture was the hardes for me to remove as it was the first picture I saw the night her parents found me.  I shouldn’t have to hurt, and I am certainly not ashamed.  His Mom is very old-fashioned.  If she thinks differently of me after 16 years with her son, For something that happened 21 years ago, then she isn’t someone I need in my life. Plain and simple.  It will hurt because of how much she means to DH, but I hope it will go well.  Because she loves him, I think it will be fine.

Wish me luck.  I have dealt with this confusion long enough and I am not going to disrespect my daughter any longer.


  1. I really respect that. Keep those pictures out.

    And it’s ok if you learn from each other in reunion. Reunion is a lot like stumbling about in a dark room and it’s definitely a process.

    I am reminded of being in reunion with my mother for only a couple of years when she was dropping me off at the airport and she was supposed to walk me to my gate. (You could do that back then…) But, she saw someone she knew, and she walked away from me, talked with the acquaintence, didn’t introduce me, and then was weird until she quickly left me standing there with another hour’s wait until my flight.

    So, when I read of you deciding to keep the pictures up, my heart swells with emotion and gladness for the both of you.

    If you end up telling them or not, you’re doing just fine. You’ll know what to do when they’re there.


  2. I’m proud of you! I know if must be hard to put it all out there, so I’ll be praying it all goes well!

  3. Jenn let me go ahead and slap you first……

    now…you know way better then that…your MIL is old fashioned so what! she is a woman she has children she has suffered loss, great loss. She will like you said get beyond it or not but that is not your issue. It is clearly her issue and she will deal it will be fine. She knows and loves everything about you…you love her son unconditionally…she will understand… what I would worry about more is that she will be hurt that you have not felt comfortable until now that to let them into that part of your life. Don’t forget Jim did not mention it to her either and he certainly has known these past 16 years too.

    I don’t want to give you more to worry about…you are a year into reunion…that is a really good reason for bringing it all out now. You are comfortable with the relationship with L and are ready to share her with others. In this past year she has suffered the great loss of her husband, not the best time to bring your reunion out to the family.

    There is a reason that this is coming up now…it is time…for everyone. XOXO Jen

  4. Thank you everyone. Deb…. you made me cry Damn it!!!! It is not going to be easy, but anything worth something in life is NEVER easy!!!

    Thanks again.

  5. I rather enjoy virtually bitch slapping people..let me know when I can do it again, I am happy to oblige….and you KNOW in your heart of hearts this is THE time and it is right and will be OK..

  6. I hope it all works out.

  7. Jenn {{{{{HUGS}}}}} You know my current take on “secrets”. I’m glad you are planning on telling them and sharing your wonderful daughter with everyone and having her picture out to comfort you!

    Good luck my friend.

  8. Debi,

    You’re my kind of woman.


  9. thanks Imtina…nice to be appreciated…and Jenn how is it going…has anything been said?? I have been wanting to call but I know you are busy with them…let us know…

  10. Loads of hugs and this I really do get. I have the opposite to deal with, well except I don’t put pics away, that my in-laws and friends are the best with my reunion. My parents STILL wont talk about A so it’s like he doesn’t exist.

    As for secrets it’s something I hate and didn’t realize how much before I “came out” about A. I don’t know if you went ahead and told your MIL just know I’m sending loads of hugs as I care about you.

  11. Hello! I wanted to drop you a quick message letting you know about a new Social Network for Adoptees, called

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  12. are you ever going to blog again or just be a gangster for the rest of your life.

  13. I’m wondering how it all went?

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