Posted by: jenn11970 | May 26, 2008

Been doing some thinking…..UH-OH

I know I spoke about the graduation party that L was invited to and how I felt about it. I have been feeling very insecure about our “relationship” and then to find out my Aunt invited her kind of behind my back, really upset me. My Mom really didn’t understand. I emailed L and her response was that she wouldn’t be able to go because she thinks her cousin’s graduation party is the same day. She did also say she would have felt uncomfortable there without me. Ok, cool. So I inform my Mom. A big hairy fight ensued. We are fine now, as we don’t really let those kinds of things continue to fester for days. I did however finally get her to understand a few things.

She doesn’t get why I can’t just have my relationship with L and be happy that all the waiting is over. Why do I think about everything I say and everything I want to do. Just say what I want to say, do what I want to do, and let it be. HAH!!! She was so angry I got the “you aren’t the only one who suffered for 20 years Jennifer Anne,I lost something too, my granddaughter.” Then this,”My life was never the same after you did what you did.” Hmmmmmm. Interesting. Definitely gave me some food for thought, or should I say coal for the raging inferno of anger that erupted from my mouth!! No eruptions tho’ until this statement,” Why can’t you just love her. Just love her, Jenny. That’s what I do.”

Alright. That was it. Easy words to say, and of course I love her. How much more obtuse of a statement could she have made??? I finally let it all out and boy did it come out. In a nut shell……..

Of course I love her, but I have to be very careful with how I love her, how I show her and how much. My Mom can love her all she wants. First and foremost she is GUILT-FREE!!!! She is also the Grandma and since L doesn’t have any grandparents living……..no one to “compete” with. I am using compete, but I don’t want it misinterpreted. L is overjoyed to have grandparents again. I have to worry about loving her like a Mom would and should, because SHE HAS A MOM!!!! I need to be careful to not step over any lines because I don’t ever want her to feel like she is being disloyal. I never want her to feel like she has to choose. My worry is that I will smother her, and that is something I WON’T allow myself to do. Since I do have contact with many more experienced adult adoptees in reunion, I am more aware of some of the pit-falls than my Mom would be. I can’t and don’t fault her, but for crying out loud, she needs to try and listen and not think me crazy for some of the things I think and feel in regards to this reunion. If I am guilty of over-thinking, and I probably am, it is because I don’t want L to feel uncomfortable……ever. She knows I love her, and I know she loves me. The point I was trying to make was that I think L loves the IDEA of getting to know me and my family. She loves the IDEA that more of her history is now complete. She loves the IDEA of having a relationship with me and my family. I love the PERSON. I always have. I remember her, I carried her for 9 months. She has no memory of me, so the idea is easier to love than the stranger. Make sense??? Sadly, it did in my mind, but as I write it out, it does sound crazy.

Reunion = happiness for many reasons. However, reunion also = CRAZY!!!! I feel like I have to educate my family, but then I sound like a know it all. That is how my Mom described it to me. She said I always have a reason for anything relating to L, and I make her feel like she knows nothing and I am an expert. Gee, damned if I do and damned if I don’t……EDUCATE. I am happy she sees this as our family’s reunion, but deep down, I don’t feel that way. This is MY reunion. I so wish reunion came with a road map. I really do.

I will continue to give L space as I think it is what she needs. I am more than willing to wait. It is the very least I can do. She knows where I am and how I feel. When she is ready, I will be there with my arms, my heart, and the door……wide open.

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Responses

  1. Oh Jenn! you don’t sound crazy at all. It makes perfect sense to me!

    Reunions are HARD, and even harder when you add in the layers of extended family.

    I hope you and your mom can work it out. You ARE the expert and should be the one educating her. It’s too bad she doesn’t see that.

    {{{{{HUGS}}}}

  2. I would talk to Claud and find out about her relationship with Max…I would be giving my mom and education like no tomorrow especially since she and you don’t let things fester…and no your not sounding crazy at all…let it out…

  3. I understand your situation with your mom. mine is different though bc she pushed me into the adoption and now that I am in reunion with my daughter she just wants to pretend like she wasnt part of the choice I made. It has really damaged my realtionship with. I have started a blog is your interested at http://www.abirthmomsthoughts.blogspot.com

  4. ugh.
    totally understand.
    moms and space to daughters (both me as my mothers daughter and my own daughter in reunion).
    my mother still sips the koolaid of it being best, a good thing, the best thing. she cannot look at her own role in the experience.
    sad.
    and yes, frustrating.


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