Still Nothing

I suppose if I have to be honest, I will say that I have all but run to the mailbox for the last 2 days.  I am guessing that we are in a bit of uncharted territory right now, and neither of us has really spoken about how we feel and where we hope things will go.  I have really stepped back a bit because I know she is really taking a lot of difficult classes and has needed the time to focus on school.  Her boyfriend was also ill this semester and in the hospital for about 1.5 weeks, and I know she was worried sick about him.  She has definitely got a full plate, and I think what I feel really needs to take a back burner.  After all, we do have the rest of our lives to sort out all of this junk, right??   Knowing that logically really doesn’t make me feel any better.

I am torn about where I stand and my extended family is really no help.  I received an email from my Mom’s youngest sister informing me that she had invited L to my cousin’s HS graduation party in June.  They live back east and I will not be attending, but she didn’t even talk to me before deciding to invite her.  I AM NOT TRYING TO KEEP HER FROM MY FAMILY, OR TRYING TO CONTROL WHO INVITES WHOM, WHERE.  I just think it would have been nice if she had told me her plans.  I might have tried harder to get there.  (We will have company here which is why we can’t go.)  I think it is also her last line of the email: ‘Let me know if you think I over stepped a line somewhere.’

In my experience, if you think there might have been a line there, or if you need to voice the thought that a line may have been crossed, then maybe there is a faint line there??  AM I crazy??  I want her to be brought into the fold of my family, and I am glad everyone is trying to make her feel like a part of the family, but I sure wish she had spoken to me.  I don’t ever want to feel like my family is putting L on the spot.  I don’t ever want her to feel OBLIGATED to make “nice” if she really doesn’t want anything to do with them.  Since we haven’t really talked about some of these things in depth, I really don’t know how she feels!  Again, am I over-thinking???  I hate the ride…. I want to get off!!!  I feel nauseous!!!

Now there is LO.  I don’t ever want to worry that I will not be in the moment while I am with her.  That has been pretty difficult for about the last week.  I find myself laughing and playing with her in the yard, then zoning out, sort of staring into space. Between no card, and the knowledge that L told my Aunt she would see if she could go to the party, my mind has been BUSY!!!  Today I decided I really have to stop worrying and just let things take their course.  Usually this is easier said than done.  It will be a little hard for me since I am such a control freak, but hey….. this old dog is in need of some new tricks.

I am going to take a deep breath, and focus on the here and now.  Playing the woulda-coulda-shoulda game is no fun, and in my here and now, I have to worry about my family and LO.  I can’t control everything or everyone, I can only be here when and if she needs me.  When she does, I want to be in the best frame of mind I possibly can.  That means calm, reassuring, and arms wide open.  For both of them.