Posted by: jenn11970 | May 3, 2008

Took a break

I took a much needed break from thinking, writing, expressing, feeling, asking, telling, and a host of other -ing things.  I had a lot of things going on at once, and finally had to shut the door, leave the crap on the door step, and focus on my little family of 3.

I had 2 rather snarky blog posts written about some of things going on over the last couple of months, but decided it best to let the anger I had written in them remain there.  When I really thought about the things that were bothering me in those posts, I was so ashamed for feeling the way I did.  I am so glad I wrote, took a deep breath, decided on the break, reread, and decided to just write at another time.  Whew… dodged a few bullets that way too!!  I think it also allowed me to put a lot of the junk in perspective.  When we find ourselves sometimes facing circumstances that really make us uncomfortable, perspective is so essential.  I HAD NONE!!!!

Well here it is in a nutshell.  There were many things going on in my family personally, and most of those have worked themselves out.  One thing I always knew, but oh how we forget, you can choose your friends, but you can’t choose your family.  That includes the your Sisters-in-law too.  Sometimes I wish they were like the pictures that come frames…..replaceable, but then I have to remember they are family too.  Everything seems to be working itself out.

I then found out, and not from the person it should have come from, that DD’s First Mom is pregnant again.  She has been cutting school and it isn’t looking like we are going to see her walk the stage and get her diploma.  She would have been the FIRST one in her WHOLE family to graduate.  Her WHOLE EXTENDED family as well.  The young man she got pregnant with has only been her boyfriend since mid December, and she is due in October.  The golden lining in this is that her Mom and I have gotten very close as she is crushed right now. She was also less than thrilled to not be given the information from her pregnant daughter, but from another daughter and a friend.  Then we both got to verify it by looking at J’s MySpace page.  Yes, her mother and I found out from MySpace.  I was not spying, I am a friend of hers and can view it at anytime.  I am upset about the pregnancy, I really am.  I can openly say that.  I am afraid for her, and I am sad that she came so close to graduating and going to college.  She had finally had dreams, and now she is estranged from her Mom, got fired from her part-time job, has no license but is driving anyway, has no car, is lying to everyone and anyone about everything, and is living with the new boyfriend and his Dad and 2 other teenage friends.  Her mother is going nuts with worry, and I can’t say that I blame her.

It has been just a wretched 2 months.  I might blog a little more in depth about some aspects of this situation because I do not want anyone to think I don’t care about her.  I will of course try to help as much as I can, but the lying thing is really getting in the way.  As it is she only just called me for the first time since all the crap hit fan in March last week.  She waited 7 weeks to call and talk to me.  I don’t think anyone can imagine how much it hurt to be shut out by her after the type of relationship I thought we had.  Our relationship is a VERY open one.  She can pretty much call up anytime she wants to spend time with DD.  There were very few boundaries in place.  I consider her family, my family.  So to say this situation really hurt me, doesn’t even begin to do the hurt I felt justice.

Please don’t blast me, I have already blasted myself enough.  I just want to be able to have the relationship salvaged.  For me yes, but more importantly for the daughter we share.  It is important for J to be in DD’s life, but I want her there to reinforce the positive values we want to instill in DD.  Lying isn’t one I really want to nurture.  I love J very much, but the disappointment I feel right now really has me all knotted up.

I am sorry if my feelings hurt anyone.  I really am, but right now I am just trying to fix myself and my relationship with J.  That can’t be done if I can’t get rid of some of my frustration.  That is all this is….me getting out what I call “the uglies.”  Sometimes it helps, sometimes it doesn’t.  All I did know is that I had some friends that read here, and I wanted to let them know what was going on so I could get a little support, and maybe some good advice.  If you feel like you can’t be supportive, please don’t respond.  Remember… if you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything……if you don’t have anything constructive to say, then don’t say anything.  If all you have is nasty, please keep it.  I get enough of that from my family, and I am tired of defending me, J, DH and others.

Thanks for reading, and I really hope I will be able to get back to blogging.  IT is something I really enjoy.

Oh Deb…..sorry I didn’t get in touch….I will DEFINITELY be hitting ya this week!!!  I hope all your tests go well!!!

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Responses

  1. Ya know lots of us blog to get the information out of us and try to do something good with it. If someone cannot read that in your post then they are blind..

    I am glad you have begun to talk it our and work through it…I agree if you can not be constructive in your comment then move on..


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