Posted by: jenn11970 | January 15, 2008

Walking away and rejection

I have been reading on Nic’s blog, and to say my heart is breaking for her would be the understatement of the century. She has once again been able to put into words what I can only feel in my heart or just touch with my mind. Then through her pain in possibly needing to walk away for awhile, an adult adoptee linked yet another piece of the mysterious adoption puzzle. Rejection.

I am TERRIFIED of rejection. I am terrified at the thought of L never wanting anything more from me than knowing her family tree and any health issues that may be in her future. This terror paralyzes me from seeking the type of relationship I DO want with her. Instead of calling or sending emails or letters, I let her take the lead. Instead of maintaining contact on a regular basis, I allow the sporadic phone calls to be enough. I put the weight of my fear squarely in her lap!! What kind of an adult does that?? What type of parent acts that way toward a person they have worried about for 20 years!!! I don’t necessarily think it makes me a bad person, but it definitely weighs heavy on my mind. It is always there lingering like a thick fog in the recesses of my mind no matter what I may be doing. My mind drifts to L more often than I’d like to admit. I wonder what she is doing, I wonder what type of toddler she was. I read a blog or a thread on a forum and wonder if this is what she would feel. Why don’t I just call her and talk to her!! Why don’t I just send a short little hey-how-are-ya email?? Is she this uneasy about how our reunion is progressing? Or is she content with the way it is now?

I have spoken to Little One’s other Mom about needing a break. Honestly since my placement 20 years ago was closed, I have no idea what she may or may not be feeling. I rely on the First Mom’s on the internet and on gut feelings when we are together. It think it is easier since I am also a First mom, but again, I have to tread lightly so I don’t insult her either. She knows if she needs a break from us, to just say the word. The door will ALWAYS be open. I just don’t want her in and out. Take a break, clear your head, do whatever you need to do. I understand that things happen and people change, and that she may need more than one break, we will cross those bridges when needed. Having to explain to LO that J needs a break once is going to be hard enough. I really don’t want to have to explain like once a year. I mean time away within reason I can totally get. I don’t want LO to feel rejected over and over again either.

Now that I have pretty much babbled about nothing, I just want to send out some good vibes, and prayers out to Nic. I know the loss of a child. I know the frustration of wishing you had made a different choice or that there had been resources available to help you parent. I know the feeling of empty arms, and of feeling split down the middle. Agony, restlessness, and even feeling hopeless. Tired, beat up and not sure if I would be able to handle one more day. I got to feel these feelings, do my time in therapy, and get myself set up with a wonderful support system when needed. I cannot imagine the bandaid and scab being pulled off of that wound, at the minimum, 4 times a year. I can’t imagine how it would feel to get myself in a great place only to have a visit with my child and fall back 5 steps again. As much as it pains me to say it, I can see why Moms in open adoptions would need to take a break every now and then. It pains me because throughout the 20 year wait, I wished I had been offered the chance at an open adoption. On days like today, I feel like even though I missed out on 20 years of my daughter’s life, I was able to be whole for the majority of those years. I did not and do not have a spine of steel. I was not and am not capable of placing my heart in something of a “black box” for safe keeping. It seems you almost have to have the ability to shut down in order to survive it. I am so sorry you are feeling like this Nic. I am so so sorry. I hope you are able to find a balance.  You matter to each of your daughters.   You are a wonderful person and deserve some peace and happiness!

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Responses

  1. I am out of the Nic lop but should try to get back in…sorry that the past of first moms brings with it such pain …it should never have to be that way.

  2. Couldn’t agree with you more. I will say, it has some happy too. My reunion, keeping fingers crossed, has been scary, but has filled me with more joy than I could ever imagine.


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