Posted by: jenn11970 | January 2, 2008

Not always sure

I am not always sure of how I feel about a lot of things related to adoption. Let’s face it, my family was created through domestic infant adoption. I also placed a child 20 years ago in a closed domestic infant adoption. I am really lost lately. Actually I would call it NUMB.

I read a lot. However, I really don’t feel any of things a lot of other women feel. Right now the only thing I worry about is whether L has sent me an email or not. I wonder what she thinks, but I am not too worried if adoption isn’t really in the fore front of her mind. I guess for now, I hope she is just living her life like the typical 20-something- junior- in -college.

I am really struggling. I wish I could be angry at “The Adoption Machine.” I wish I could dislike the fact that her parents are such wonderful people. There is a part of me that wishes we would have a deep talk about whether she felt abandoned. I want to know if it bothers her that I named her and that her parents changed her name. ( I actually am not sure they would have had her original name, or if a BC was created that said Baby Girl X)

I find it difficult to get angry, or be angry, at things that are completely out of my control now. I am not in denial. I do get sad about things….. just not angry.

My greatest fear???? I will be so worried about what could happen, may happen, will happen to the fragile psyche of the adoptee I am raising, that I create the problems. I am so worried that I will focus so much on how L felt that I will miss out on the excitement of raising Little One. I don’t want to focus so much on L that I lose sight of the wonderful child with me now. However, with the reunion so new for me and L, I want to be able to be in the present with her too, ya know?

I hate all the drama. Why does it sometimes seem like we have to discredit the worthiness of the adoptive families to raise our kids? Why is it so important for us to have the biological connection be in the best interest of the child at all times? Why is it so necessary for some people to feel the need to shove the biological connection down adoptive family’s throats? I love the parents of my daughters. I couldn’t have picked better people to RAISE her, to LOVE her, to SHARE with her THEIR VALUES and SENSE of FAMILY. I am so thankful she felt a part of their family. It is what I wanted FOR HER. I had it with my family, why would I not want it for her??

Maybe I am just not understanding. Honestly, I mean that in the most sincere way possible. Maybe I am just living in La La land and really not getting the crux of the issues. I don’t know, and maybe I never will. I hope and pray my daughter, the relinquished one, is able to find support when needed, and will be able to maybe grasp these concepts better than I am. I hope the adoptee I am raising will be able to share her thoughts and feelings with me, and if I am unable to help her,that there will be resources available to me to find what is needed to help her. Those are the only things I can do, and the only things I know I can control. The rest of it I guess I have to just let be.

I do want to apologize if I offend anyone. It is truly not my intent. I am just very frustrated right now.

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Responses

  1. I am right there with you….I have the same thoughts and feelings…well not the first mom feelings…it is amazing to me how much we really do think alike…I would like to get all mad too but I know I had an ethical adoption agency and I know this is the best place for Spencer having met the whole family and then some…but I do hear you…it will be a good topic for us when we do finally get together…may have to do one visit with the kids and another without hehehe

  2. You don’t need to wave a flag, J. You’re doing just fine.

    I struggle over and over with how I feel. Some people say I’m too outspoken, other people say I’m too placating. It makes my head hurt.

    The bottom line is, no one should be telling you how to feel. Your feelings are yours. L’s are hers. Little One’s are hers. Your family is not any other family.

    Hang in there.


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