Posted by: jenn11970 | October 26, 2007

A letter to the court

Today I offered to write a letter to the court to let them know how our family was impacted by the death of Little One’s First Dad. His Mother is going to court on Nov.1st to let them know what she would like to see happen to the person charged with the driving the car the night he was killed. She is to write a letter, and I asked her if she would like me to write one about how the loss would effect DD. She was so happy I offered.

Not being the best writer of deep emotion, I roughed out a draft, and posted it on a forum for help. Thank you Amris and Spay for all your wonderful editing and additions. I must say, after Amris was done with it, she had all the emotions I was so struggling to put into words. I am copying the letter here, because it was so beautiful. I hope his Mother likes it, and if she needs me to read it in open court for her, I will do it gladly. I am also going to put a copy in DD’s scrapbook, so she will always know how much he meant to us.

The letter:

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing this letter in the hopes I may attempt to speak for another of the young victims in this horrible accident. She is only 28 months old, and cannot at this time let us all know how she feels, or how she will feel later in life. She is the biological daughter of C H. And also, at this time, I would like to speak to the personal losses that I and my husband will also experience as a result of this.

While it is true that my husband and I are D’s parents, having an open adoption, she would have had her First Parents in her life. You see, when we invited D into our hearts and lives, we invited C with her, along with her grandmother, and the rest of her biological family. Knowing that there’s always room for more love, we created an ever-growing family. We looked forward to meeting D’s future siblings. We looked forward to a long and deep relationship with C; one where all of us could grow, learn, and come to love one another. In our love for our daughter, we embraced her father, and we found that it was, in fact, our own lives that were enriched at every turn. Not only enriched by D, but by C, as well. It was an honor to see how much having her in his life helped him begin to seek towards becoming a better person.

There were so many, many reasons to have C in D’s life. She would have had the chance to see herself in C, and know by his voice and his actions, how much he loved her. If she had questions about her background, he could have answered them for her. If she wanted to know what subjects he was good at in school, he would have told her. If she participated in sports, he could have gone to all the events and cheered her on with us. If she decided to play an instrument, he would get to hear her play. He will now miss possible dance recitals, future orchestra events, and any competitions she may attend in the future.

My daughter will only know from us, how tenderly he held her for the first time. Only he knows what he was thinking at the time, and will never be able to share those most private thoughts with her. She will never know how deeply he looked into her eyes, and will never hear him say,”I love you, D.” She will only have a handful of pictures of them together, where she could have had a lifetime.

Please think about the loss this young child is going to feel as she grows and develops into a young woman. Very rarely do we think about a loss being associated with adoption. I want this court to know we feel the loss, and know she will too.

Have you ever looked into your father’s eyes, and seen your own staring back at you? Have you ever heard a familiar turn of phrase as he spoke? Have you ever said to yourself, sometimes with humor, sometimes with horror- “I have become my father!”? Have you laughed, and realized that it was the echo of your father’s laugh? Have you heard someone jokingly say, “You have your father’s hands!”? Have you looked up at a family get-together or a wedding, and seen your father’s eyes shine with pride, and felt both humbled and overjoyed by it? Have you ever had an argument with your father, and walked back to him, embracing him, because you realized that one day he might not be there to make up with? Did you ever sit at his knee, as a child, and listen to stories of your family’s history?

Some of these things, we can offer to D. We are her parents and will always be here to love her and let her know how proud we are of her. So many of them, we cannot. I don’t have her eyes. I don’t have her nose. Maybe she’ll have my laugh, and if so, that will be an honor. But the things that she inherited from her father, how will I ever know? When she looks up at her first dance or piano recital, there will be an empty seat where her father would have sat. There, beside her parents, a part of the family will be missing. A part of our family, for her family is our family. There will be a gap in our lives, because of this young man’s life ending far too soon.

This is our daughter, whom we love dearly. We had such dreams, and hopes, for her relationship with her father. And we had just as great of dreams, and just as great of hopes, of sitting next to him at a recital, or at a basketball game, or perhaps at a wedding. Embracing one another, with great joy, as our daughter passed various milestones of her lifetime. We wanted to embrace him and draw him into our lives as fully as we embraced our daughter. Now all that remains is an empty silence where stories, laughter, arguments, and friendships should be. We love our daughter, and we welcomed and loved her father, too. Now she has lost him, the very thing that we worked so hard to ensure wouldn’t happen. We have lost him, too, and we miss him.

I understand the young man being charged with this crime is feeling his upbringing is to blame for the choices he made that night. I ask the court, at what point do we no longer blame the parents, but look at the individual for the choices they made, good or bad? At some point, we need to be responsible for who we are and what we do, no matter how we are raised.

J, J, and D


C, you will always be in our hearts and never far from our thoughts. Through our beautiful daughter, we see you daily. We miss you!!!



  1. Jenn….so wonderfully written and so moving…what great parents for D you are…showing her a glimpse of her first dad…I had tears in my eyes thinking about S and his connections…

    she is the biological daughter of CH.

    the next sentence starts with… And…if you have time to correct it…

  2. Wonderfully powerful letter. I had tears and goosebumps reading it.

    I’m so very sorry for your loss, and for your daughter’s loss. And everyone who loved CH. What a terrible tragedy.

  3. It’s a lovely letter, Jenn. Exceptional, really.

  4. I am humbled by your letter

  5. I wish I could take all the credit, but Amris really wrote a lot of it. I am grateful she was able to take my pathetic letter and pull my feelings forward.

    Thank you though. We are missing him a lot right now. I hope the court does the right thing and sends the driver to jail.

    The holidays suck for DD’s First Mom. She is really hurting right now. Such a senseless loss…..

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