Posted by: jenn11970 | October 9, 2007

Seriously Struggling

I am really trying hard these to not be angry at Little One’s First Mom.  I keep reminding myself she is only 17, she is in high school, she is working after school, she is still struggling after the death of little One’s Bio dad.  I keep reminding myself of these things EVERY DAY.

Why do I have to remind myself?  I am upset at the way our relationship has gone completely one-sided.  I now keep up with her using My Space.  How sad is that.  She doesn’t return calls, and then has the audacity to remind me about a baby shower for her mother the day before, as a comment on my My Space page. Excuse me…. pick up a phone and call me.  It is a LOCAL CALL!!!! I had already called and told them I wouldn’t be there.  Didn’t they get the message?  If they didn’t, why wait until the day before to ask me about it?

She has a new boyfriend, and I am glad she has finally been able to open herself up to it.  I know some of the reason she isn’t keeping in touch with me is due to time constraints.  But…. give me a break.  We haven’t seen her or spoken to her since the first week in August.  The times we did get together over the summer were due to me making all the calls, and getting the ball rolling.  I don’t think she has a problem calling us, she has done so in the past.  I have had many long talks to her about how open we are to her relationship with Little One and us.  She knows we love her and care for her a ton.  She knows I am First Mom too, and I have told her if she ever needed time away, we would NEVER close the door on her.  The only thing I asked of her was to please let me know that was what she needed, and to try not to be in and out of Little One’s life when she was old enough to understand it.  IF she needed the space, to do it while DD was young enough to not really get the sense of it.  Now this.  All this crap.

I am sorry I have come across as a cold and uncaring person.  I am not that way at all.  This woman and her family, are our family.  We have embraced all of them, as our families live over 750 miles away from us.  It has been so much easier to make the open thing work without having to balance all 3 sides of our family for time, if you know what I mean.  They mean a great deal to us, and this is really making me crazy.  I can’t even tell you how many drafts I have written that I am probably never going to publish….LOL.  This has really been eating away at me, and now today it all hit home.

If you have any advice for me…. I am game to try just about anything.  Please be kind…. I am doing the best I can.  There is a lot more background here, that I really don’t have the desire to get into as this is really long enough already.  Sometimes even adoptive parents have bad days.  Mix that with the emotions of the First Mom inside me, and overall it has been a crappy few weeks.



  1. She’s only 17 and the good thing is she will get older over the years and mature.

    Let her know gently what you expect from her, when she left a comment on myspace, you can let her know you prefer more personal contact.

    Tackle the situations as they arise and try to word it without blame. She’s young as you well know, she will be a totally different person in three years time.

    And she is dealing with a lot right now so try not to expect too much from her.
    Hope this helps and not hinders….

  2. Jenn I get it…I get it all too well. In fact if Spencer’s first mom were not still very connected with her own parents I have a feeling I would have not seen her as much as I have these past few years.

    I have a friend who is struggling with the loss of constant contact with her DD first mom too…it is over a year…her DD has a full blood sister as well who she knows well and loves…no contact…over a year…and my friend pushed and pushed to get the contact back..NOTHING…I get it I really do and I am really sorry…keep in touch…but pull back a little cut it in half and see what happens over the next few months…let it ride…don’t completely loose contact keep it open for when it is right for her but seriously let it ride…. she is growing up…one of the things our agency educated us about was the loss of contact from a first mom….always keep the door open even just a tad…someday she will want back in…she will want contact again and you will be there with open arms. Be honest with yourself and with her…you are strong…it will come out right…

  3. You just wrote “I’m doing the best I can” and yes, you are. You are doing things great and with your daughter’s best interest in mind–if you need to vent about things to help that process keep going, then by all means. What I also beleive is that most often, people are doing the best they can with what they have, what support they’re given, what resources they have and what emotional capacity they have. So I have to believe that maybe she feels like she’s doing the best she can right now too…even if it doesn’t look that way to anyone else.

    ((Jenn)) Hope things all work out the best for all of you. It is a hard road, open adoption, isn’t it?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: