Posted by: jenn11970 | August 14, 2007

I was found…

I found my way to “adoption forum land” around 2000. Needless to say, I was shocked and horrified by the way some people felt about the women who gave birth to their children. It was a harsh slap of reality mixed with the relief that I was not the only woman who had a) given up their child for adoption and b) had mixed feelings on the whole subject. I think by the time I meandered into that world, I had found what little peace one kind find with our end of the deal. I did a lot of reading and soon became obsessed with the thought she may actually search for me. There were, and still are, tons of registries. I think I must have registered with just about all of the big ones, and also found a great a group of women who had relinquished at about the same time I did. They were all slowly finding their children, entering reunion, and not finding it all peaches and cream, but at least they now knew where their children were and how they had lived their lives. I watched as week after week it seemed everyone but me had a “reunion story.” I always cheered them on in their happiest moments, and I was certainly there as a shoulder when things would go south. We are a smaller group now, but we still stay in touch some 4 years after its inception. You know who you are… and I love you guys!!!

As time would go on, and I would learn more, I became aware of the reality of registries. It was more of a crap shoot. I got scammed once, and that was terrible. What kind of a person preys on the sadness of a loss of child, and then tries to hurt a person more by pretending to be someone they are not. I was careful though, not to put too much information out there. I only put the basics, and left the parts only the adoptive parents and myself would know for sure. So as not to have to type out the whole story again, I am going to copy a post I made on a forum. It was posted Feb. 19th of this year.

It has been a long 19 years, 11 months and 345 days. They found me. I am in shock. I have been crying, laughing, crying, blowing my nose and crying some more.

The short version is that she has known since she was a toddler that she was adopted. As she got older she would talk to them and ask them questions about me. She always wondered if I thought of her. In her teen years she asked her parents if she could find me. They told her to wait until she was a little older, and they would help her search. They read her books as a child about adoption, and her family really seems to have supported her well.

2 weeks ago, she came home for a visit from college (she is in college… yeah!), and she told her dad she had a lot on her mind. Every year, starting in Feb, and going until her b-day, she would think of me, and wonder if I was thinking of her, or what I was doing. She told her dad she wanted to really find me. So he told her he would start the search and be the intermediary, in case I didn’t want contact, he could break it to her in a way so as not to hurt her.

He went to adoption forums and started searching by birth year posts, and then narrowed it down to my screen name. He and his wife read all my posts (oooh all 50 of them, I really didn’t post a lot) and decided it had to be me. He contacted me through my email, and after asking him questions only he would know the answers to… we talked on the phone last night FOR 2 1/2 HOURS!!!! They are such lovely people. They love her so much. They wanted to find me FOR her. To say I am touched, is really an understatement.

They emailed me a picture, and I finally got to lay my eyes on my child after 19 years, 11 months, and 345 days. She is so beautiful!!!! She plays piano, like me. She is smart, and funny, and loves to sing and do theatre.

I will not get to talk to her myself until the semester is out, and we want to get to know each other first. He doesn’t want her to lose focus on school, and I agree with them. Her mother is really sweet too. They have videos, and tons of pictures, and he said he would put some together for me.

We talked about so many things, and I really need to wrap my mind around all of this. The compassion they both have regarding their daughter’s feelings and how she has “missed” me is so amazing. The way her dad sees it is that by helping her find me, he will help heal a hole that has been in her heart for a long time. He said he could always sense it and knew deep down inside it was something he could not heal for her. He hopes it will heal the hole in my heart as well. To hear him say he understands that, shocked me.

Thank you again guys! Each and every one of you have truly helped me to get to the peaceful place I am today. Adoptive moms, first moms and adoptees. I can truly see how we all need each other, for support and knowledge. I can’t believe I have been looking for her for a little over 2 years, and her Dad found me in 3 days. I AM FOUND!!!!!!!

It was a very emotional time. We really got to know one another, and even though I was afraid she would be angry at us for keeping her out of it for awhile, it was nice to get to know her through them a little bit. I also think it helped her to have them know a little bit about me too. When they did tell her, she was able to ask questions of them, and have answers. I think she was also relieved that I wanted contact and that I was looking forward to getting to know her. When we did finally speak, that conversation lasted over 4 hours. We talked about a lot and I got to answer a lot of the questions I had been anticipating for the bulk of 20 years.

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Responses

  1. Jenn as the story unfolds and your life is laid out for us to read…I am amazed at the things I did not known. I love that you were FOUND and that your relationship with DD is going well…I am excited to read about your life with your little one too and am waiting to hear how she came into your lives…..keep it coming…and don’t make us wait so long next time!!

  2. Sorry Deb.. I do have a 2 yr old ya know!!! LOL!

    Working on one about Little One….

  3. Hey me too…maybe we should get them together…hehehe…and on that subject get me some dates…

  4. […] just read a first mom’s blog about her daughter’s adoptive parents finding her. It was magical to read about her […]

  5. I love this.

  6. Wonderful post, wonderful experience. Thank you for sharing it!

  7. I should add, though, that being found this way can never erase the years of loss. I realized as I pressed ENTER that you might think I was treating that loss casually, which I’m not. Many apologies if that first comment came across that way!


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