Posted by: jenn11970 | August 5, 2007

My Story

It thought it would make sense for me to take the time and tell my story. I am not sure if I will tell it all at once, or in installments. I guess it will depend on how it goes. I do want to remind readers that the decisions I made then were made by a scared 16-17 year old girl. You might not agree with some of them, and honesty I am upset with some of them too. I guess this is my disclaimer that I know some parts of this story are going to make some people very uncomfortable, for that I am very sorry.

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So how does a straight A student, involved in sports and clubs, find herself pregnant at 16? Pretty easily apparently. When I think about her now, she is so innocent and so naive. I forgave her long ago. I had to, she was just a girl. I am the oldest of 5 kids, and no one put more pressure on me than myself. I always wanted to make my parents proud. This would be one of the darkest moments of my life, and in the end, I don’t think I ever believed anyone would be proud of me again.

He was everything to me. I was a sophomore in high school and so was he. We belonged to same church and went to the same school. I know now, I wasn’t as much to him as he was to me, I had such low self esteem. I should have seen some of his more manipulative behaviors, but he liked me, I loved him, but he liked me. When the talk about sex came up, we decided that since we were both virgins, we really didn’t have anything to worry about. This was at a time when AIDS was in the media a lot, and that was a scary fear no one wanted to think about, so safe sex=no diseases. After dating about 10 months, I finally gave in and we “did it”. Well, I didn’t get a disease, but I got pregnant the 2nd time we “did it”. The irony of it all is we were studying for a Biology final. I chuckle now as I think about that.

I remember the day I told him I had missed my period. We had gone for a bike ride, and stopped in some woods to cool off in the shade. I blurted it out. We talked for a bit about what could have made me late. I was in cross country and woefully thin, I was nervous after having had sex and the fear of pregnancy was on my mind, I had counted wrong. The list went on and on. We waited a few more weeks and then I told him again, I still hadn’t gotten it. We had a LONG talk; actually he had a long freak out.

Him:

“I want to go to college….. What are we going to do???……. What are you going to do?….. We can’t think about abortion, we would be excommunicated from the church….. I want a future……. What are you going to do?????? “

We talked about it less and less over the next few weeks, and saw less and less of each now that school was in session, and we were both busy doing our own thing. Late in September I called him.

Me ~“Hey, guess what…. I got it.”

Him ~“Really??? I am so relieved, this means we can go back to normal now, and you don’t have to worry about what to do. Cool…. really cool.”

Me ~“Yes, I am relieved too. I think we should see other people though. I really don’t feel like being with someone who kinda deserts people the way you did. You really made me feel like this was all my fault.”

Him ~ “Okay, I didn’t mean to, but come on, I was afraid too. I had plans for a future, ya know? “

Me ~ “So do I remember? I want to be a doctor. I really don’t have time for dating anyway with track, classes, and clubs. You take care of yourself.”

Just like that, I was alone. In all honesty, not having to worry about him was a relief. It made it easier for me to begin a deep descent into denial. If he wasn’t with me, I wasn’t with him; I wouldn’t have to face the pregnancy because he wouldn’t be asking me about it all the time. Not to mention, the less people that knew, the less chance I would have of being found out. The ultimate shame… teenager, unwed, pregnant. I cried that night. I was empty, alone, and ashamed of myself.

The next 5 1/2 months would be interesting for sure. I still ran cross-country and even did winter track. I became pregnant near the end of June, so by December, I should have been showing. I had put on a little bit of weight, but over-all people just thought I looked healthy. I was working out the same as always. Looking back now, I was soooo stupid, and oh sooooo lucky. I still hadn’t told my parents and rolled back into school after the winter holidays, business as usual. I was starting to worry though into February about gym class. We would be coming to the swimming portion, and I knew if I had to put on that bathing suit, the cat would be out of the bag. Mother Nature intervened 2 weeks before the beginning of that class.

Each night I would do 100 crunchies, 40 leg lifts, and a lot of general stretching. I was doing everything in my power to hide this pregnancy. I was really in a very deep denial. I talked to the baby while in the shower, and after I knew my sister was asleep at night. I did care, I was just so very very stupid. On this particular night, I felt sharp pains shoot across my abdomen. They started around midnight, and lasted all night. In the morning I told my Mother I had really cramping pains. They were actually making me nauseous. She told me to take two Tylenol, and lie down and try to get some rest. (She felt horrible about that advice later on that day.) I soon realized, I was having labor pains. I had no idea what to do, and still clung to not having my parents find out. I made a phone call and the woman on the other end of that phone that day was an angel. I called Birthright. She talked to me for over 2 hours. Slowly getting information out of me, and sent an ambulance to my house to take me to the hospital. I didn’t even know they were coming until they knocked on my door. I would find out a week later that she was denied access to my hospital room, for fear she would encourage me not to place.

So off to the hospital I go, and upon arriving at the emergency room I am told that I will now call my mother and tell her over the phone why I am there. I told the nurse, I couldn’t do that to her, she might have an accident on the way over. She angrily snaps… you have no choice, now call! She then tells me I need to ask my mother which doctor on call to use. She said if you chose Dr. So and So, you can either take the baby home, or place it for adoption. If you chose Dr. Whosits, you have no choice but to take the baby home.

So there I am, alone, 17, pregnant, having contractions, being forced to out myself to my mother over the phone….AND I have to make a choice of which Dr. to use, and be able to keep my options open?!?!?!? Hmmmm. A lot of this I discussed with my parents after the fact, but it is so obvious now what they were doing. I didn’t know it then, but it was just another way to coerce a young woman to make an uninformed decision.

More to come, I need to gather some thoughts.

 

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Responses

  1. I’m reading.

  2. so am I

  3. I just wanted to send you some support. I know it can be so hard to put yourself out there.

    (((Hugs)))


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