Posted by: jenn11970 | July 30, 2007

Where do I Belong?

I am confused. I am sometimes lost. I frequently feel overwhelmed, where before my daughter’s parents found me, I was pretty much okay. Now I feel, I don’t know, emotionally out of control. Only on the inside. I have grown adept at hiding the true underlying feelings.

L’s parents found me in February of this year. She had wanted to locate me since she was 12. They wanted to wait until they felt she was emotionally mature enough to handle it. I fully agree with their decision. Not like I really had a choice since it was a closed 1980’s adoption, but I do agree with them waiting. I am also okay with the fact that they contacted me before they told her they found me. Their reasons made sense to me in Feb. and still make sense to me now. She had one year of college under her belt, and had really struggled. She transferred to a new college her sophomore year and they wanted her to get into a groove. Before going back to school in January, she told them she wanted to find me. She wanted to know who I was, what I was like, if I thought of her around the time of her birthday. Her parents decided that in order for her to be able to do well in school, they would take the pressure of finding me onto their shoulders. They told her to not worry about it, do well in school, and they would worry about finding me. They didn’t think they would find me as easily as they did. I was very diligent about keeping my info updated on the larger search sites. 3 days is all it took. So long story short, too late, that is how L’s parents found me.

Now to why I am feeling….ermmmm. Where do I fit in now? I was a ghost. A shadow, if you will, a realistic figment of the imagination for 20 years. For that matter, so was she to me. She was the thing of dreams. She was inaccessible, so she was sort of surreal to me. She was the dream of watching her graduate from high school. She was the dream of the perfect Sweet Sixteen. Some days, she was still an infant for crying out loud. It was all I had to go on. Snapshots and memories too painful to truly look at or dare to access and touch. So where do I fit in now?

I want to really get to know her, but to do that I feel this urge to question her to death. ( I don’t do that , but I so wonder all the time!!) After being in the on-line adoption community for so long, I want to know and make sure she is okay. I want to know if she feels like so many adoptees I have gotten to know through their words over the last few years. She is still so young. She is woefully unaware of the huge community of support there is out there for adoptees. I hesitate to even think it, but sometimes I do, maybe she has no feelings of loss and abandonment. Maybe she bears no ill will against the system who won’t even let her know her name before she was adopted. Maybe she doesn’t care she was adopted, and knowing who gave birth to her and finding a “normal” everyday person was a bonus to her. I feel sooooo lost!!!!!

Don’t get me wrong. We get a long very nicely. We spoke for the first time over the phone in May. The following week I drove from IN to MA to have our first F2F. We had a great time together. It was so fun to see her in the flesh, and touch that once chubby face, and hug the baby I let go 20 years prior. We talk on the phone every now and then, and we email. But we don’t “talk”. We just chat about this and that. No deep adoption stories or issues. No “this really bothers” me phrases. We talk about our every day now. We talk about history, music, things we are planning to do, etc. We don’t really talk about the past. There had to have been a reason she wanted to find me when she was 12, right? There had to be a reason she chose now, right?

I don’t know, maybe I am just trying to borrow trouble where there isn’t any right now. Maybe I just need to chill, and give it time to rev up and really become the frightening amusement park ride I know it can become. Maybe all we will ever be is the sometimes- phone -call, email -when -I -have -a- chance kind of thing. I hope not, but I guess I have to be a realist and accept that that may be all it ever is. She has parents, and I adore them. They are everything and more than I could have ever imagined. They saw natures in her and nurtured them beyond belief. They loved her and love her so much. I don’t want to be her parent, and besides, she’s raised. I do want to be special. I want to be as special to her as she is to me. It is asking a lot, since I am nothing more than a stranger she is getting to know. I feel like I KNOW her. I feel like I have known her for 20 years. It is all so frustrating!!!

I am thankful that we have found each other, and  now have lots of time to get to know one another. She has said many touching things, and when I get all freaked out like this, I need to reflect on those words. Time and patience. Patience can most certainly be a vulture, but having waited 20 years, what’s a little more time? Even another decade or two?!?

Well this rant is over, and hopefully getting it out into this journal-like setting is going to help.

~Peace~

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Responses

  1. Oh Jenn.

    (((Hugs)))

    Good luck. That sounds so lame but it is all I can think of. Just remember it is new, things take time.

    Have you found KimKim’s blog? Reunion Writings? She is a great one for reunion advice.

  2. I will check it out… Thanks : )

  3. Is it very new the reunion? I think you will be a lot closer as the time goes on, I know that has been the case with my reunion.

    Hey look there’s N. saying to read my blog!!!

    Come on over anytime or email if you want to talk to another mum in reunion.

  4. I am an adoptee and I have just discovered your blog while “tag” surfing. I am very moved by your story and I hope your journey brings you more healing as well as joy as time goes on.
    Your daughter has wanted to find you for years so don’t ever doubt how important you will be/have been to her, even if she doesn’t fully understand it all yet.
    all the best.
    xox


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