Posted by: jenn11970 | July 28, 2007

The Road Not Taken….or Was It??

The Road Not Taken

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same.

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I–
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.

~ Robert Frost

The road less traveled. We spend our lives on roads making decisions everyday, some without a thought and others we ponder for what seems an eternity. As a young 16 year girl, I too chose a road. It is definitely not one many women wish to travel. When you start your journey on this road, it is painful and filled with deep ruts and you never really know if you will make it to another fork.

I relinquished a baby girl for adoption when I was a junior in High School. The road has been a long one, I will not lie. However, even with the pain I went through, the emptiness, the loneliness, the never feeling worthy to date again, feeling dirty and like damaged goods, I have traveled this road and persevered. I am coming to a fork soon, and some BIG decisions are going to have to be made. I hope I am up to the task. That is why I broke out my Robert Frost. I had to remind myself that everyone travels the road. The decisions we make on that road daily, can seriously impact our survival of it. I made a decision today to talk about my daughter.. my sweet Rebecca.

I wondered from the day I left that damn hospital, if I would ever lay eyes on her again. This was a closed adoption. I knew nothing of the people who had adopted her. Well, no more. They found me. Yes, I will repeat that…. THEY FOUND ME!!! This beautiful baby is now a sophomore in College. She is bright, funny, talented, and of course… beautiful!! Her parents told her about finding me in May, and I visited her that very same month. I WAS TERRIFIED!!!!!! I AM ECSTATIC!!!! I AM AMAZED!!!! Did I mention I AM TERRIFIED!!!!

There are going to be so many questions down the road. Some will be easy and I have had the better part of 20 years to refine my answers. I have had 20 years to wonder what will be asked and how she would respond. I have been prepared to not ever talk to, see, meet, etc. I have been prepared for the greatest reunion anyone could ask for!! I mean come on, I have had 20 years to grapple with a myriad of emotions and I have gone through the good, the bad and ugly scenarios in my mind over and over. I should be prepared right?? UMMMMM NO?????

The reality is, I am at the point where my roads are diverging into the wood. I am going to need to make choices. I hope I am up to the task. I now know my daughter is alive. I know what she looks like. I have a good idea of what she is like. From what I gather we have a lot in common, but what if we don’t??? Terrified I tell you…. completely terrified!!! I am madly reading books, because that is how I learn, about adoptees and their feelings. Those make me even more anxious to be honest.

Bottom line…. what if she hates me for the road I traveled without her for the last 20 years? What if she doesn’t understand? D will always have J in her life to validate the choices she made. I was imaginary. I was a dream, an unreality if that is even a word. My choices have been my reality not hers. I just hope the choices I made have been, and will be good enough.

Peace…. and Love to all!!!!

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Responses

  1. how did it come to be that her parents did the searching and not your daughter? Just wondering…


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