I am gearing up for a nice visit with my MIL and SIL and her husband. This will be the first visit for my MIL since the loss of Dh’s Dad last October. There is probably going to be some sadness, since many of the Firsts after the death of a loved one can be triggering. I am also worried about D since when Grandma walks in, she will be looking for Grandpa. She had him wrapped. Oh did she have him wrapped. I have been talking to her a little bit about death and heaven, but I know she is not grasping the concept. (At his wake she asked why Grandpa was sleeping in that toy box…..it was innocent and sad all at the same time. She was less than 2.5 at that time, but since we haven’t had any other funerals to attend, the subject just really doesn’t get touched. KWIM?)
Anyway, with this upcoming visit has come a lot of dusting, and while dusting I do all the frames. I have many pictures of L scattered about the house, and since my in-laws don’t know about L, I had a mini breakdown today. I HATE having to put her pictures away. My family loves them, my friends love them, even friends of friends love them. I don’t feel uncomfortable sharing L with anyone that enters my home. WHY DO I LET IT INTERFERE WHEN MY IN-LAWS COME????? This is my home and I should be able to have anything on my end table in the living room I wish to have there. However, I don’t. I called my Mom while putting my pictures away and told her what was going on within my tortured mind. Unfortunately, she was at work and would not be able to bounce me into reality for 30 minutes. Okay…..I will continue cleaning like a mad woman to keep my mind busy.
Fate, a feeling from far away, maybe she knew I was struggling and needed to hear her voice….who knows. L called me 10 minutes later. She was in line waiting to get in to see the Boston Pops tonight. She was with all of her friends, and wanted to say hi, and wanted to know what the name of my town was again. One of her friends had just driven through Indiana, and had passed my town, but didn’t know how to pronounce it. I had to chuckle at the reason for the call. We chatted about this and that, and I commented that I didn’t wnat her friends to think me rude for keeping her on the phone. She assured me, it was okay. (Love that girl!!) L says,”Say hi to Jenn everyone!!” They did. Really put a smile on my face. We chat for a few more minutes and then say good-bye. Then…..right there, in front of all her friends, friends who know her Mom and Dad, she says, “I Love You.” I tell her I love her too, and to be careful. It hit me then as I hung up the phone.
She is not afraid to put us out there, why am I?? She is so happy to have me in her life no matter what people might think. She is more together than this 38 year old Mom. I am going to talk to DH tonight because I think I am going to tell them while they are here. It really hurts me to not have my girls’ pictures on my piano, side by side. That is my sanctuary, and they are with me when I play. I think that picture was the hardes for me to remove as it was the first picture I saw the night her parents found me. I shouldn’t have to hurt, and I am certainly not ashamed. His Mom is very old-fashioned. If she thinks differently of me after 16 years with her son, For something that happened 21 years ago, then she isn’t someone I need in my life. Plain and simple. It will hurt because of how much she means to DH, but I hope it will go well. Because she loves him, I think it will be fine.
Wish me luck. I have dealt with this confusion long enough and I am not going to disrespect my daughter any longer.
